joke thread

[layback40]

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
Then you are probably...
The family dog.

A couple of very elderly gents were chatting.
Fred: "Gee, I'm really feeling my age lately, aches n pains all over..."
George: "Really? I don't, I feel just like a newborn baby! Got no hair, no teeth and I just peed in my nappy."

[layback40]

I##h Sawmill Accident

Paddy (randomly chosen names) and Mick are two I###hmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey drip put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

[layback40]

I just love these old folk's stories.........always thinking of ways to save a dollar!

$7.00 Sex

A couple, both well into their 80s go to a
sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse? '

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. ' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple
makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor
says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything, She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Got to love the public health system !!!!!

[layback40]

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

[layback40]

The Arrogance of Authority



> >> A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."


The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"


Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.


"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....

On any land !!


No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......

do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......





With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.


The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...............





"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

[layback40]

Meeting girls at bars is like window shopping. You're looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.

[layback40]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Texas cattle ranch owner

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[aklim]

Originally Posted by layback40

Meeting girls at bars is like window shopping. You're looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.

I'm doing what? Not sure I understand you. When I meet a girl that looks good, I am imagining what she looks like in different positions and not the clothes.

[layback40]

aklim,
Is this guy talking about your second job??!!!





http://holycannoli.posterous.com/herschel-the-magnificent-jew

[Carleton Hughes]

85 year old guy walks into a brothel, the madam asks him what he wants. "I want a woman" sez he. The madam replies,"For you, $300.00." "you're putting me on." rejoins the octogenarian. "That will be an extra hundred." adds the madam.....

[layback40]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People

[layback40]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.


Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.


Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"



The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."



The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"



The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."



"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"

[layback40]

I just read an article about a lady who makes ice cubes from left over wine.



I am so confused!



What the f# ck is left over wine?

[layback40]

Why woman are different from men and vice versa By Amanda Gore - YouTube

[layback40]

a friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.