joke thread

[layback40]

Guess what every one ?
The joke thread has broken the 25,000 views mark !!
just goes to show that even when things are tough, we all still like a good laugh !!
The thread has outlived some of its critics.


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is an aussie in his early sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..”
“This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the aussie and asks, "Can you do better than that?"

The aussie replies, "No worries mate, just get that lion out of there."

[layback40]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it"

Wife texts back:
"Computer completely fu**ed now."

[layback40]

The Perfect Husband



Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone

on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: "Hello"



WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."



WOMAN: "I'm at the store now and I found this beautiful leather

coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."



WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."



MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."



WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie

and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Then make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If

not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."



WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."



The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at

him in astonishment, mouths wide open.



He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[layback40]

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles..

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed... Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window...

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window..

7. Drive off..

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is true.!!)



1.. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ....

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card..

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[layback40]

As a Brazilian friend says: "...the most spoken language in the world is
"Bad English...!"

Wonderful English from Around the World


In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,
IF DRESSED AS A MAN.



Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.



Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.



Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.


In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE
THE MANAGER.


On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD
IS IMPASSABLE.


On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.


In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.


In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY
BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.


Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.


In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.


Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID.


Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox
Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.


A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT
PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT,UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.


Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.


Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?


Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like
British Airways!)


A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.

[layback40]

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.

[layback40]

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen
on the quality of their fish and asked
how long it took them to catch it.



"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were
sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.


"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"


"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children,
and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.


We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted,


"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."


"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant.


You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City !



From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.



"After that you'll be able to retire,
live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children,
catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:

Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there !

[layback40]

It's little Johnny again



The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,

and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'



The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

'fascinate, not fascinating'.



Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and

I wa...s 'fascinated.'



The teacher said, 'Well, that was

good Sally, but I wanted you to use the

word 'fascinate.'



Little Johnny raised his hand.



The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.



She

finally decided there was no way he could damage the word

'fascinate', so she called on him.



Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her

t**s are so big she can only fasten eight.'



The teacher sat down and

cried.

[layback40]

Right Oh you lot, reckon you know a bit about Oz?




Have a gander at this site and see how you fair. Not many will get past 19 out of 25, but if you do . . . . . . . . . you could be termed a smart . . . . . . . ALEC!






Check if you still qualify for the Aussie passport

http://media.news.com.au/multimedia/2012/01/oz_quiz/oz_quiz.swf

[BobK]

13/25. Surprised I got any. Not bad for a boy in Kentucky, I guess. I expect CLK, I and a few others could put together a test on The Bluegrass State that the Aussies might have a bit of trouble guessing.

[Mike D]

Well I had a go at the quiz and I must admit at being a bit puzzled by the choice of questions. Not one single question regarding lederhosen, skiing or any mention of the Alps.

[layback40]

The Pilot
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"
The princess said, "No!"
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover crew meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up........ The end.

[layback40]

The Pilot
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"
The princess said, "No!"
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover crew meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up........ The end.

[layback40]

It is probably only Australians who can write poetry about Australian icons that can be understood by Australians.

If you have a good memory, lived on a farm or are used to camping you will know what I mean when you read today’s Aussie Classic Poem.
Just scroll down ......



Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without a trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

[layback40]

Testicular Disorders





A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral s3x on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund. "