joke thread

[Bogeyman]

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist,
and when asked what was the problem, she
responded, "Well, whenever I take off my
clothes, my n/pples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then
asked, "Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed
doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the
feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still
looking puzzled, said, "Well, Madame, I don't know
what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"

[Since66]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile",

the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis
car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs
agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and
you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor
over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy
with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno!!!"

[layback40]

The Suspicious Wife



A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her....

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...

"No madam", said the Gardener...

[Botnst]

What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

[layback40]

Number One Idiot

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this, “Put all your muny in this bag.”;
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip
or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America .
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, “Because I don't believe you are over 21.”;
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”;
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight

I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here ! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”;
Take the sign - Please!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stay Alert! They walk among us ... they Reproduce ... they Vote
and I'm sure that many of them hold elected office

[layback40]

Originally Posted by layback40

Right Oh you lot, reckon you know a bit about Oz?




Have a gander at this site and see how you fair. Not many will get past 19 out of 25, but if you do . . . . . . . . . you could be termed a smart . . . . . . . ALEC!






Check if you still qualify for the Aussie passport

http://media.news.com.au/multimedia/2012/01/oz_quiz/oz_quiz.swf

Ok so you found that a little hard did you.
Well try round 2, its much easier !!

True Blue Aussie Quiz

[layback40]

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the an#s?

It's called the An#l Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
*****ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your @ss and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!

Keep laughing...life is too short to take life too seriously...

[aklim]

Originally Posted by layback40

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your @ss and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!

Dunno. Never tried it. I just shave everything from the crack of my ass to my navel.

[layback40]

Originally Posted by aklim

Dunno. Never tried it. I just shave everything from the crack of my ass to my navel.

Too much information !!!

[layback40]

Paddy and Paddy, two *****men, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of de ears off my Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.

"Paddy" he said, "Your Pig has chewed the ear off my Pig.

Now we got two pigs with one ear each..

How are we going to tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut at other ear off my pig. Ten we'll ave two pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Paddy", he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig!!!"

"Now, we got two pigs with no ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy..

"I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my pig. Den we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and............you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR PIG HAS CHEWED THE TAIL OFFA MY PIG, AND NOW

WE GOT TWO PIGS WITH NO EARS AND NO TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

HOW DE ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook--- it" says Paddy, "how's about you ave the black one, and I'll ave the white one"

[layback40]

GOLD !






SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."



SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and s******ing..
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

[layback40]

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few.

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked,

"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped up and said,

"It's WALES, you friggin idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said,

"Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...

[layback40]

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.


2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F* **ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing dont eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try to do f***ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholestrol level.



SO, REMEMBER ...



FASTING is good for your health and may God cleanse your dirty mind!

[layback40]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.


The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."



Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[layback40]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement

25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.



"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has

become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."



His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she

says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."



"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He

can't help."



"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is

perfect."



So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf

course with his

brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down

the

fairway.



He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"



"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".



"Where did it go?" says Arthur.



"I don't remember."