joke thread post jokes here

[Mini 300EVIL]

post any jokes you want here

Joe and Jeff are walking their dogs when they see a bar. They are about to go in but they see a no dogs allowed sign. Joe says to jeff watch me.

Joe puts on sunglasses and walks up. the doorman says no dogs allowed. joe says but this is my seeing eye dog doorman says oh they use dogermans now? Joe goes in. Jeff puts on sunglasses and walks up. the doorman says no dogs allowed. jeff says but this is my seeing eye dog doorman says oh they use chiwawas now?

Jeff says I GOT A CHIWAWA!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mini 300EVIL]

why did tigger search the toilet?


'cause he was looking for pooh!



a string walks into a bar asks the bartender can I have a beer.
Bartender says no, we dont serve strings.
string walks out and ties himself into a knot and frays one end goes back in
says can I have a beer.
bartender says are you a string.
sring says im a frayed not(afraid not) lol

[RG5384]

Why don't blind people like to skydive?
It scares the **** out of their dogs.

[Jim B.]

1. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections". The last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

2. There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of the multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" inchalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace

3. A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes." The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude". The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him".

(dramatic pause)

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The groundskeeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime". the group was silent forr a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight".

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them".

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

4. What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

[87tdwagen]

Light humor during a bad situation No flame please

All Hi-lo ambulance sirens are not created equally,
Those in Lebannon have sirens that blare Ji..Had...Ji..Had...Ji..Had
While in Israel the same equiptment blares Oy..Vey...Oy..Vey...Oy..Vey

[87tdwagen]

This one is neutralized not to offend anyone:

Three religious shaman each from different religions are out wandering together in the desert and happen upon a bag of gold coins. They divide their newfound spoils equally amongst themselves.

The first shaman says 'I will draw a circle in the sand and throw my share into the air, whatever lands in the circle will be donated to my church, and whatever lands outside I keep for myself.'

The second shaman contemplates this and states ' I have a similar approach but I'll draw a line in the sand and I also will throw my share into the air, what lands on the right side of the line is for my church and what lands on the left is for me to keep.'

The last shaman thinks about what the other two have done, and feels obligated to act similarily, so he thinks for a while and then states 'not to be outdone by your generosity, I too will throw my share of coins into the air, whatever G_d wants he can catch'

[TheDon]

Originally Posted by Jim B.

4. What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

very true.. im going to go into school for mechanical engineering too



from mitch hedburg

I went to target the other day and missed.

[Larry Delor]

A guy walks into a Bar, behind the counter is a sign that says:
Cheese sandwiches $2
Handjobs $10
The guys says: "Excuse me Miss, but are you the one that does the handjobs?"
She smiles and says: "Yes, I am!"
He says: "Fine....wash those hands, and fix me a cheese sandwich."

[aklim]

A catholic priest took some boys on a fishing trip. Out at sea, an accident happened and the boat was starting to sink. The captain lowered the lifeboat and was preparing to set off when the priest asked "What about the boys? They can't all fit in that little boat?". The captain said "Fawk the boys.". The priest asked "Do we have time to do that?"

Why did the priests and MJ flock to K-Mart?
Because they heard that little boy's pants were half off.

What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand is on the little hand.

[alabbasi]

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A. Fsh.....

Why did the elephant paint himself red and climp up a tree?
To look like an apple.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a tree?

[aklim]

What is long, hairy and with a hole at one end?

My .......... (hint, something you put in the mouth)

[kamil]

Here is some humor that you old guys wont find funny at all....I guess it's a college thing, but I think this is hilarious.

Your volume has to be up so you can hear Batman going mental.

http://ualuealuealeuale.ytmnd.com/

[DrewGerhan]

my science teacher told my class this joke last year......

When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...

I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."



I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first *******, (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW *******, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"



"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.



"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an *******." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.

"Hello."



"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)


"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, *******," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

[Mistress]

Why is Mickey divorcing Minnie?
He found out she was f------ Goofie.

What's green and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit's finger