It's about time for a Joke thread

[LaRondo]

2 Austrians in a Porsche = a Dum(b)-Dum(b) bullet!

[MTUpower]

What if there were no hypothetical situations?
It's bad luck to be superstitious

[al76slc]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[dynalow]

IRISH PRIEST IN TEXAS...

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[Mike Murrell]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.

" Holding the bucket up he said," I'm just here to feed the alligators".

[Whiskeydan]

An Irishman goes to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another Irishman enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short , with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.............................."

[arvy]

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking
together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of
the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for
farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall
around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and
completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually
impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

[Whiskeydan]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.


The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "I f you
catch me you can have me".Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.This
girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for
the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke
and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?"
asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program".

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds a
huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.


The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "I f you
catch me you can have me".Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.This
girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for
the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke
and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?"
asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program".

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds a
huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[Larry Delor]

I just read that, and then noticed the google ad at the bottom.

You can take that in a couple of directions...most of them funny.

[Whiskeydan]

Originally Posted by Larry Delor

I just read that, and then noticed the google ad at the bottom.

You can take that in a couple of directions...most of them funny.

[Whiskeydan]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and
asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told
him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that
the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some
butt-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ..........added, "And
this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Texas, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players
down there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas ."

"No $hit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[arvy]

A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in
with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a
rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in
"penis".

His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when
the computer replied...:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

[al76slc]

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

[Kpmurphy]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. ?It is like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'

[al76slc]

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.'

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.



For the last time . . BRING POSSEEEE'