It's about time for a Joke thread

[Whiskeydan]

>> Three Cowboys Are Sitting Around The
> >> Campfire Out On The Lonesome Prairie;
> >> With The Bravado For Which Each Is
> >> Famous, It Is A Night Of Tall Tales.
> >>
> >> The Guy From Montana Says, 'i Must
> >> Be The Strongest, Meanest, Toughest
> >> Cowboy There Is. Why, Just The Other
> >> Day, A Bull Got Loose In The Corral.
> >> It Had Gored Six Men Before I Wrestled
> >> It To The Ground By The Horns With My
> >> Bare Hands And Castrated That Sucker
> >> With My Teeth.'
> >>
> >> The Guy From Colorado Couldn't Stand
> >> To Be Bested. That's Nothing, 'i Was
> >> Walking Down The Trail Yesterday And
> >> A Fifteen Foot Diamondback Rattler Slid
> >> Out From Under A Rock And Made A Move
> >> For Me. I Grabbed That Bastard With My
> >> Bare Hands, Bit It's Head Off And Sucked
> >> The Poison Down In One Gulp And Didn't
> >> Even Get A Belly Ache.'
> >>
> >> The Cowboy From Texas Remained Silent,
> >> Slowly Stirring The Campfire Coals With
> >> His Pecker.
> >>

[TheDon]

are dead baby jokes ok?

[aklim]

Originally Posted by TheDon

are dead baby jokes ok?

Sure. Mine are real.

Wife had a student RN following her that went into a room and said "Congratulations" to the couple. Only problem was that the woman had delivered a stillborn.

Wife found a stillborn in a Xerox paper box in the supply room.

[Bear]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

[TheDon]

snap

[mgburg]

There's a new house paint, out on the market, and it's for Blondes...

It doesn't smell too good, but it spreads well.

[Bear]

A golfer in Ireland sliced his drive into the rough.
While lookin g for the ball he came across a leprechaun
trapped in some brambles. Using his driver as a lever he freed the leprechaun.
"For what you have done .Leprechaun Law requires that I grant you three wishes".
"I don't believe in that sort of thing" said the golfer and strode away which left the leprechaun with a problem. The only solution was to arrange three good things for the golfer using leprechaun magic. He decided to improve the golfer's health, improve his golf game and improve his sex life.
Several monthe later the golfer again sliced into the rough and came across the wee man.
"Hi" said the leprechaun "remember me?'"
"May I sk you some personal questions?
"How is your health?"
'Much better" said the golfer "I used to suffer from severe arthritis but all that has gone now"
" How is your golf game?'
"Tremendous improvement. I am now the club champion"
"What about you sex life?"
"It's O.K."
What do you mean "O.K.? How often do you have sex?"
"About once a week."
"Once a week !! surely a good looking man like you can do better than that".

"For a parish priest in a small village it's not bad."

[Bear]

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”, asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say......LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”

[Bear]

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.


The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"

[Botnst]

Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the
driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blond cop pulls him over for speeding The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs.' The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.

'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle'

[Bear]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests ?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them !
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking towards them. Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are ?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

[Bear]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to carry out an audit of the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover) purchases, What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on," what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi: "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick..."

[Bear]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak... He walked over to a tree and propped up his
gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and
discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that
you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was
very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the
buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage
done to your penis
and I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad." the man replied, "Is your
brother a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute
player in the local
symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't
piss in your eye

[Dee8go]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent!' We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need.You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're lying!!!'The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.

[Dee8go]

What's next? Dead PUPPY jokes?!