Joke for yall

[Cap'n Carageous]

A homeless man was starving. As a last resort he began knocking on doors to ask if there was any work he could do for food or money. He came to one particularly nice home and rang the doorbell. The door was answered by a fat man obviously irritated at the sight of the drifter.
"What the hell do YOU want?" the homeowner said.
"Sir, is there any work I can do around here for you?" asked the poor man.
"No and please leave before I call the cops, you bum!" was the reply.
"Please please" begged the poor man, "I am so hungry and will do anything".
The homeowner blurted "Oh you people make me sick. If it wasn't for fine people like me you would ALL starve. But just to get rid of your sorry ass I will let you paint my porch for five dollars. Look in the garage and you will see a can of porch paint and rollers. Now get with it and call me when you're finished."

About two hours later the doorbell rang and the homeless man announced that he was finished.

"Here's your five bucks, creep. Now leave", scowled the homeowner.

The drifter took the money and started walking away, but stopped and turned around to say, "By the way,.... that wasn't a porch in there,.............. it was a Mercedes!"

[TX76513]

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," the blonde said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

[TX76513]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer

[Cap'n Carageous]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was having show and tell. When it was his turn to answer 'What does your father do for a living', little Johnny stood up and faced the class.
"My father works at a gay cabaret. He dances naked in front of other men. If the offer is good he will take them to a back room where they slap his behind and holler and do weird stuff."
Obviously shaken the teacher immediately put the children on other tasks. She called Little Johnny to her desk and asked if that was indeed true.
Johnny hung his head and stared at the floor, "No mamn, it isn't. He's really is a baseball player for the New York Mets, but I'm too ashamed to tell that !!":p

[Cap'n Carageous]

"Give me a triple scotch and keep um coming" the man told the bartender.
"That's a pretty stiff drink there buddy, sumthing wrong?" asked the barkeep.
"I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend" sighed the man.
"What did you do?" asked the barkeep.
"I told HER to pack up and get out" was the reply.
"What did you do about your best friend?" asked the barkeep.
" I slapped his behind and hollered bad dog !!"

[MTI]

On a foggy night, an elderly priest in a rusted Rambler station wagon collided with a lawyer in his new Mercedes. They both came out of their cars to survey the damage. The lawyer noticed that the clergyman was trembling after the accident, went over to his car and brought out a flask of whiskey. "Here, have some of this to calm your nerves." said the lawyer. After taking a swig or two, the priest said "And what about you, my son, won't you be needing some for your nerves?" The attorney smiled and spoke "Yes, father I will, after the police arrive."

[Cap'n Carageous]

A little Canadian humor for ya.