It was so much simpler in the old days, when all you had to do was take them out in the back shed and beat the **** out of them.

If he likes music so much has he ever tried playing an instrument?

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1985 CA 300D Turbo , 213K mi

This does sound like depression, and not something we should be trying to treat on the Internet. If it is, it can be genetic – if your not so predisposed yourself – you can almost be part of the problem, because it’s hard to be sensitive to feelings you know nothing of.
He needs a doctor, but you need to get a handle on if this might not be something coming from his Mom or Dad. You and your wife need to spend time talking to his doctor together. These people kill themselves when it’s bad, so I’d not waste any time. Ultimately for them it is sink or swim – he’s got to be put on his own, but how that program is laid on him can be life threatening and I’d leave it up to a doc. The big problem they have in working with depressives is that they’ve got to get them to understand that it’s just the way it is, and unless they want to stay doped on downers all the time, they’ll just have to learn to deal with it – That is pretty depressing.

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89 300E
79 240D
72 Westy
63 Bug sunroof
85 Jeep CJ7
86 Chevy 6.2l diesel PU

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."
Marcus Aurelius

Actually, very little treatment is "learn to live with it" anymore. Drugs like Paxil, Remeron, Effexor and a few others in the serotonin uptake inhibitor class treat depression without any "dopey" effects, they essentially just make depressives feel normal.

Well OK then – this is why this format probably not the best place to get information – my personal stepchild is now 33, so my info is dated. Whatever this situation can be hellish.

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89 300E
79 240D
72 Westy
63 Bug sunroof
85 Jeep CJ7
86 Chevy 6.2l diesel PU

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane."
Marcus Aurelius

Maybe a career in music?

Since he's so interested in music.

Louis.

While I appreciate your good intention, I must tell yo uthat I have no intentions of treating it on the internet, just trying to get varying points of view.

Kirk, I agrre it would have been much easier behind the shed. My son happens to know I will take it to him if need be and he's on the right track.

I just had a long talk with him to clear a few things up, and as usual he says he is going to try. I am not a fast enought typist to get into the details, but it felt like a productive talk. He realizes that the lack of effort in school is starting to kick his ass. He realizes that life continues to become more difficult because of it.

That being said, the rule change applies, either he's wporking on weekends or he's outta here.

I suggested to him that it would be a good start in finding employment if he were to take a bus to a mall, and we could pick him up. The idea being that if you help yourself, other people will help you. We'll see.

I also suggested that he go see a Doctor, that perhaps he has a depression problem, and he was not too willing, but I guess thats normal. I also told him that he's 18 and I cant force him.

I talked to my wife and maybe if we go as a group, perhaps that will make him fell more at ease.

In any event the saga will continue.

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

Thought would be a great, if he actually went to the trouble of taking lessons. The challenge remains to difficult.

His is a classis case ofan employee saying make me a manager, then I'll start acting like one. As opposed to working your way to becoming one.

He want's a car before he has the license and money to pay for the gas.

At least his father told him that he would get him one if he had a job to help pay for the insurance.

Thanks

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

As long as you're taking viewpoints, I'll second the depression diagnosis and would like to suggest setting small goals for the kid. If he's looking at an incipient changes that include: get a job, get your license, get a car, find an apartment, get the hell out and be independent already -- with no defined deadline and what sound (I'm sorry) like a lot of very negative messages that seem to focus on how he can't do this and has never done that and will never amount to anything -- well, if I were him I'd be depressed and frightened too.

Maybe a goal a week? This week, apply for five jobs. Next week, make an appointment with and see a doctor. The following week, three defined chores. Don't feed the list to him all at once: instead, one goal at a time. I'm thinking small things that will give the kid some reinforcement, some sense of accomplishment, and the idea that he may in fact be capable of doing something.

It's a shame that he's set in this pattern and may have had undiagnosed and untreated depression problems for some time. The time for your wife to address this was a few years ago. But it's easy for us to sit on the other side of the screen, hear pieces of the story, and throw around bad advice, so that's all I'll say.

Thats so true, you havent really given any examples of achievement. He is doing poor in school and thereby afraid of it. He is looked upon wierdly by all his peers which give him less confidence. Hes most likely not really interested in girls because he hasnt had any success and he has most likely tried to ask atleast one out. Skating is a good sport but most just do it because pros make it look easy. He emerges himself in music because that expresses his opinion, reinforces it and gives him something to think about.

Give him a chance to be succesfull in something. Help him to get his license. Take him down to the dmv and show him the place, pick up the info there instead of online and make him study the books, once hes ready take him back there and get his permit. Work with him while he's learning to drive. Tell him that you will do this if he does chores or becomes active with school. Raise those grades by 10% and that will give him a great feeling.

The whole depression thing thats been commercialized in the past few years is cured by success. Show him that money is cool and can get you things and maybe he may wake up and dedicate himself to go out and make it. If he starts on something, show him the benefits of finishing it right.

I am just saying that from personal experience. Im 18, ive been in or really close to debt for a year now from buying a car and restoring it and now that ive been working somewhere I love being at, i feel like im back to a normal state.

Hopefully this helps in some way. A shrink is a waste of money in my opinion as long as you show him the right things to do. If its first job, thats a little wierd too so give him pointers. School is most likely bringing him down right now so he needs help from you to talk to teachers and work out ways to get that gps to a 2.0 atleast. Next year go take the regular classes at a community college and then once he is done with the basic requirements and is going well he can go into some big name school. Dont tell him to drop out and get his gdp cause thats depressing.

Anyhow each to their own, theres prolly a lot we dont know so this wont help much but good luck.

Peter

The last two posts had some good suggestions but I have to correct a couple of things.

We have been trying to get him to try and set small goals to no avail.

We have tried to get him to do better in school, by hiring tutors, privates school, encouragement, etc.....he simply puts no effort in.

I told him a year ago, that I would help him learn how to drive if he took it upon himself to ask me everyday when I got home form work.

He's never asked me once. Not one friggin' time. I asked him about it yesterday and he replied that he can't learn from a parent. He would be better learning from someone his own age.????????? See what I am up against. It's like pissing in the wind.

We also do not just focus on the negative, in fact the only time we have problems, like arguements, shouting matches, etc.....are whenever we ask him to help around the house and it takes away from his free time. The problem is that there is very little positive to focus on.

From my point of view, I know I could have done better but it really is disheartening as a parent to have a kid fight you at every turn, at some point, you just throw your hands up in the air and hope he figures things out for himself.

I will definitely try and work with him to try and set some small goals and see if he can't achieve them. Like I said earlier in the thread, if he makes an effort to help himself, I will help him as well.

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

Sounds like a difficult kid. And it's tougher to dictate to him now that he's eighteen when it comes to things like medical treatment, too, which is unfortunate.

It might be better to sign the kid up for driving school than try to teach him yourself, though. I mean, my mom and I were on relatively good terms when I was 15 and learning to drive her car, but it was still pretty tense in the car when I messed up. A few turns of me grinding the gears in her big new Thunderbird when she thought I ought to be able to find them was enough to get me sent to driving school, where I could beat the hell out of someone else's Escort without fear. If you're already miffed with this kid, it could be a good way to get him out of the house for a weekend or two, too

We do get along well when he makes and attempt to help himself. I have been driving with him a few times and there is no yelling, although I will suggest the driving school to him. Anything that will help him I'm up for. I just wish he would help himself.

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

I think getting him to go to a doctor is the best way to go. Just tell him hey I pay for your living expenses your going to a doctor. Maybe the doctor can at least tell you if it is depression. It sounds like he is a nice guy at least he is not getting into trouble.

Good luck

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2016 Corvette Stingray 2LT
1969 280SE
2023 Ram 1500
2007 Tiara 3200

He is a nice kid. If you were to meet him, you would come awy saying how polite he is and he is relatively friendly.

I have always told him that his saving grace is that he behaves well or we would have had severe problems long ago. I think if I talk to him and convince him we will al be going to a group session for his saske, he may listen.

I need something else of your car, btw, will send you a pic.

Thanks

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Enough about me, how are you doing?