joke thread

[Kuan]

Two MB owners got caught by cannibals and ended up in the stewing pot. The first one said "Now we're screwed!"

The second guy said "Nah. They can't drain the pot without a topsider!"

[Kuan]

Was my joke that bad? Don't kill the thread.

[TX76513]

Originally Posted by MTI

From the book of Steven Wright:


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Excellent

Bob is sitting at the coffee shop, staring morosely into his cappuccino. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts, he asks Bob what the problem is.

"Well," said Bob, "I ran afoul of one of THOSE questions my wife asks. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will!"

"Yeah," said Bob, "that's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO.'"

[Kuan]

Minnesota used to be pretty segregated in the 70's. There were Lutherans and there were Catholics. In an effort to make peace, the Lutherans invited the Catholics over for a lutefisk luncheon.

Everything was going great until it was time to eat. The Catholic priest then interrupted and said "shouldn't we give thanks before we eat?"

A hush came over the crowd. Nobody said anything for awhile. Finally Sven, who was sitting next to the priest, whispered in his ear.

"Shh... this is lutefisk luncheon. We thank the Lord AFTER we eat."

[Lebenz]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

[MTI]

Best of Luck to Rodney.

DANGERFIELD UNDERGOES HEART SURGERY
American funnyman Rodney Dangerfield entered a Los Angeles hospital on Tuesday in preparation for heart valve replacement surgery.
The ailing "Caddyshack" star, 82, underwent brain surgery last year to reduce the chances of having a stroke during the operation today.

Before entering the hospital, Dangerfield said, "If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half."

[KirkVining]

A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to a fellow waiting , "I wonder were he goes every day?" The other man says, "Your house."

[Botnst]

Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

[Joe Bauers]

Speaking of Mark Twain: "Before God made idiots, he made school board members for practice."

Joe B.

[nhodges]

Onestone's Indian name was given to him because he had only one
testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked
and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all
night, he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from
exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by
until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years
away.

Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she
saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her
all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?

You can't kill two Birds with One Stone.

[ericdee]

Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers followed; fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids".

[Chris Bell]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says...
Does this taste funny to you.

[84300DT]

Dinner Conversation between a wife and her husband.
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not- don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)
WIFE: Would you let her sleep in our bed?
HUSBAND:Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would you play golf with her?
HUSBAND: I guess so.
WIFE: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left handed.
WIFE: ---silence-
HUSBAND: S**t.

[Botnst]

New guy enters (prison/army/navy/marine corps). Some days later in the mess hall, somebody stands up and says, "#17".

Everybody laughs uproariously!

Newbie asks an old-timer what that's about.

Old-Timer says, "We've heard all the jokes so many times that we've numbered them all."

New guy waits a few weeks and then says, "#17!".

Nobody laughs and newguy is mortified. Asks old-timer what happened.

Old-timer says, "Some folks can tell a joke and some folks can't!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

But wait, there's MORE!

[Botnst]

Other new guy stands up and says, "#87!"

Everybody laughs, people pass-out, vomit, ROTFLOL, etc.

First newbie asks Old-Timer, "Why did everybody laugh at the other new guy's joke and not mine?"

Old-Timer opines, "We haven't heard that 2nd guy's joke before!"

Get it?

Got it?

oh well.

B