joke thread

[Aquaticedge]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[layback40]

ebay is going down hill!!!!!!


WHEELGAP IS LIKE A VAGINA! S13 S14 S15 R32 R31 R33 R34 Skyline Bumper Sticker | eBay

I have no interest in such products.

[layback40]

The Sensitive Man



A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:







'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf!'

[Delibes]

A man robs Bank of America.
He is charged a robbery fee.

[layback40]

The cat



You don`t have to own a cat to appreciate this one.



You don`t even have to like `em.



We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year`s Eve party. We

turned on a night light, switched the answering machine on, covered our

pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The car arrived

And we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out of the door, the cat scoots back into the house. We

didn`t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the

bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my

wife doesn`t want the cab driver to know that the house will be empty for

the night.

So, she explains to the driver that I will be out soon, "He`s just going

upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I

Said as we drove away.

"That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse

with a coathanger to make her come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed

her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from

scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs

and threw her out into the backyard! She`d better not sh i t in the

vegetable garden again!"



The silence in the cab was deafening!!

[layback40]

Originally Posted by Delibes

A man robs Bank of America.
He is charged a robbery fee.

Havent your politicians been doing such robbery for a few years?
Or was it the banks doing the robbing?
Wonder if they have been charging all of you a bail out fee?

[layback40]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy three 10 c coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. Tighter and tighter !!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "



"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the Tax Office.."

[Since66]

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,

Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Maam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'


The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm

calling my husband. He's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished. 'Your husband's name is Crisco?'

The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public'


'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call him at home?'


'Lard ass.'

~~~
You gotta love old people!

[layback40]

You will be blown away by this


This is amazing....

This maths test can predict your favorite film.



Try it without looking at the answers.


It's easy and really works:





Pick a number from 1 - 9.






· Multiply by 3.


· Add 3.


· Multiply that by 3.


· Add those two digits together.


· Use that number to find your all time favorite movie in the list below.







Your movie is:












1. Gone With the Wind..


2. Aliens.


3. Dances with Wolves.


4. Star Wars.


5. Forrest Gump.


6. Saving Private Ryan.


7. Jaws.


8. Doctor Zhivago..


9. The Joy of Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys.


10. Mary Poppins.


11. Lawrence of Arabia


12. Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid


13. Lord of The Rings – Trilogy


14. The Sound of Music


15. The Curse of Count Dracula




****I ain't gonna say a word****

[layback40]

You will be blown away by this


This is amazing....

This maths test can predict your favorite film.



Try it without looking at the answers.


It's easy and really works:





Pick a number from 1 - 9.






· Multiply by 3.


· Add 3.


· Multiply that by 3.


· Add those two digits together.


· Use that number to find your all time favorite movie in the list below.







Your movie is:












1. Gone With the Wind..


2. Aliens.


3. Dances with Wolves.


4. Star Wars.


5. Forrest Gump.


6. Saving Private Ryan.


7. Jaws.


8. Doctor Zhivago..


9. The Joy of Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys.


10. Mary Poppins.


11. Lawrence of Arabia


12. Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid


13. Lord of The Rings – Trilogy


14. The Sound of Music


15. The Curse of Count Dracula




****I ain't gonna say a word****

[Carleton Hughes]

How does the L.A.P.D. Play poker?

4 clubs beat a King.

[Since66]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office, and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat , he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble, and we had wild sex all night.

Then, I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[layback40]

Adult Scrabble...











Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I


























People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends...

[layback40]

Man appears before the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of
particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang
of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker.
"I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring
and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll
answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."

[layback40]

Subject: Cough Remedy;


The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"

The clerk says "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle
of laxatives!"

The clerk says "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to
cough!"