joke thread

[cullennewsom]

My Job Sucks
You think your job sucks? Let me tell you about the people I work with.
First, there's this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I'll admit, she's pretty hot, but damn she is completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.
The next chick is exactly the opposite- she might even be one of the smartest girls on the planet. She has endless career opportunities but she's still here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I doubt she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive past the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ****ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. The guy is baked before he comes to work, after work, and even during work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and, to make things worse, brings his ****ing giant dog to work. Every ****ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King every single ****ing day.
Anyways, I drive these ****ers around in my van and we solve mysteries and ****.

[layback40]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He was awarded an A.

[layback40]

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE..........

[barry12345]

The kid with the spiked hair was giving the older fellow a lot of lip. The guy stopped him by telling him he might be his son. How the hell is that possible the young fellow responded. The older guy said well I once had sex with a chicken.

There are too many proceedures for breast enhancement for women. They should consider wiping between the breasts with toilet tissue several times a day as a cost effective method. It works pretty well on their posteriors after all.

The wife asked why my fly is down sometimes. Simply told her one never knows when they have to count to eleven.

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by barry12345

The kid with the spiked hair was giving the older fellow a lot of lip. The guy stopped him by telling him he might be his son. How the hell is that possible the young fellow responded. The older guy said well I once had sex with a chicken.

There are too many proceedures for breast enhancement for women. They should consider wiping between the breasts with toilet tissue several times a day as a cost effective method. It works pretty well on their posteriors after all.

Ba ha ha ha ha ha.

[layback40]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy..
A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes






HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY




1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

[layback40]

Finally, an explanation... It all makes sense now:



gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 - "if a man lays with another man he should be stoned."
We've just been misinterpreting it all along.

[layback40]

Geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!




Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.




Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.




Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.




Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel,has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.



Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.



After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END.

[layback40]

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[layback40]

Exciting new aged care Programme:


You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.
Is this a great country or what?

[hill]

Originally Posted by layback40

Exciting new aged care Programme:


You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.
Is this a great country or what?

Funny, sad and true. I hear of stories of 50-70 year olds that had some prison history doing a crime to get food and shelter.

[layback40]

Cant understand all the fuss !! I thought we all did things like this when we were kids. ~ Full can of aerostart in the neighbors cement block incinerator always stopped them burning rubbish for good.
A 44 full of ammonium nitrate fertilizer with just the right amount of diesel added, 1/2 a stick of jelly & a very long fuse/detonator. Quickest way to dig a dam. You need to be at least 1/2 a mile away when it goes off so as not to get badly hurt !!










Subject: Fw: Archery, black powder, gasoline and a ten year old Oklahoma kid.
Oklahoma Kid's first Bow and Arrow set.

Life as a child growing up in Oklahoma...

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound

bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our

land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an

arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farm all tractor tire

will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough “sumbich”.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan

that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up

T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was

sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large

rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the

carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether).

A light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it

would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets

face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether),

really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex

(black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up

the can of black powder.

My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether)

can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb.

pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a

firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the

other can, so I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too.

Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew

the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a

clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time

frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH

SHOOT! He just got home from work.

So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my

bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion

with a WTF look in his eyes.

I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow

pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right

through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know

if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just

reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught

a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial

explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs

all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of

grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE COTTON

PICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the

pasture. Notice I said "was". That sucker got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes

with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other

side of the carport, having what I can only assume is, a Vietnam

flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO

CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway.

All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and

there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our

backyard.

There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the

yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the

tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't

know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't

hear inside my own head.

I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really

matter. I don't remember much from this point on.

I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I

felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this

process for an hour or so and you get the idea.

I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad

screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again".

Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump

again.

Mom had been *****ing about that thing for years and dad never

did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled

business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some

sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the

beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery.

It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use

later on in life.

Author Unknown

[layback40]

Tom's scrotum


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating
and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor
Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible
surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors
say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[layback40]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door
then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on
the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume
filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband
to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

[layback40]

LITTLE BOY AT THE NUDE BEACH

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's,so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."



The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.



She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.



Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."