joke thread

[dirtysocks]

What did the shower say to the toilet?


You may get more A$$ than me, but at least I don't take no crap.

[four50sel]

A 45 year old woman is still a virgin and can't seem to get laid.

By this time she is desperate, so she decides to see a sex therapist.

She looks in her local yellow pages, selects a Dr. Wong, and makes an appointment for the next week.

When her appointment time arrives, she tells Dr. Wong that she is 45, a virgin, and MUST get laid.

Dr Wong says "Ok here what you do: Take off all your crothes and crawl to the door as fast as you can."

The woman does as requested.

Then Dr. Wong says "Now turn around and crawl back to me as fast as you can."

Once again, the woman does as she is told.

As the woman is getting dressed, Dr. Wong states "Ah, just as I thought; Ed Zachary disease, worst case I ever saw."

This confuses the woman and she asks the Dr. "What is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Wong replies "Ed Zachary Disease; that is where your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass."

[waybomb]

A plane load of people is on its way down to crash.
Some a screeming, some a crying, some are praying.

All of a sudden, a young vivacious woman jumps up and yells, "If I'm going to day, somebody make me feel like a woman one last time!"

Silence.

A strapping young dark Italian in the back stands up and says "OK!"

Real silence now.

He unbottons his shirt, revealing a very muscular hairy chest, takes it off, goes up to the woman, hands her the shirt, and tells her to wash it and get him a beer.

[Early Bird]

Confucius say: Woman who fly upside down have crack up

[Larry Delor]

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people. So the other day, as passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave, the entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spread throughout the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming!
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up front in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!

[four50sel]

Confucius say: He who stand on toilet often high on pot.

[Larry Delor]

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!" Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

[Since66]

Porque el gallo no tiene manos?

Porque....la gallina no tiene tetas!

[Carleton Hughes]

More banal equivocation............Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn't keep her pupils under control??

[Iceman]

Confucius say: Man who fart in church set in own pew.

[savas]

[Lebenz]

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.

She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

[Carleton Hughes]

Confucius say"cheerleader jumping with no panties have cunning stunt".

[Wodnek]

What did Michael Jackson say to the priest about the young boy that walked in?



I saw him first!

What is the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The prick is on the outside of a porcupine!