Here are some jokes to enjoy.
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

True tales of InDUHviduals - From Scott Adams, creator of
Dilbert

I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my
license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the
license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the
renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.

While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I
colored my hair. He asked me what color.

Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very
small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and
asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there.
The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them
directions. After driving around for half an hour they
could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the
woman at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they
never did build that restaurant."

I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous
button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing,
but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to
her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm
always talking on mine."

I went into a major retail establishment and asked an
employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth
vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase,
explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a
flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the
employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"

Received from Caprice.

--
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A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
-------------------------------

AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later
discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that
he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to
argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that
it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky
statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate
their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a
Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of
vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are
numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."

Received from Joyce Morrison.

--
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A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
---------------------------------------

The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went
shopping for some unmaternity clothes. When she returned she
went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She
found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was
furious!

She confronted her husband, "Didn't you bother to check the
baby's diaper all day?"

The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up
to eight pounds!"

Received from NeunaberJ.

--
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)


A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering
things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To
the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently
reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so
you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top.
You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream
with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain
you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can
remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped
cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my
toast?"

Received from Case Bonebrake.

--
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
------------------------------------------

were sitting in a tank. One turned to the other and asked, "How do you drive this thing?"

__________________
Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm.

were sitting in a oven. One biscuit turns to the other and says: "Man, it's hot in here!" Startled, the other biscuit exclaims, "Oh my God, a talking biscuit!"

__________________
Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm.

How do you keep a Mercedesshop Open Discussion reader in suspense?

After living for years as a castaway on a desert island, Moshe was rescued by a passing fishing boat. He was so excited upon their arrival, he showed them around his island home. "See here, I have an irrigation system to water the terraced gardens . . . and over there I built a water mill over the stream . . . but what helped me the most was when I built this synagogue." pointing to a nicely constructed place of worship. Impressed, the captain of the fishing boat saw another similar building and asked about it. "Eh, that's the other temple . . . nobody goes there."

Feed him BHD

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
---------------------------------------------------

A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the
hospital.
The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife. He
said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress.
If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very
short time."
The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"
The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment
in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals
for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag
him or stress him in any way."
On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So
what's wrong with me, honey?"
The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry,
honey, but you're going to die."
Received from Matt Durrant.
--

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee
when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a
hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the
startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room,
opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing
out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint
there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman
was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement
tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says,
'HORSE for sale.'"
Received from Best of Humor.
--

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though
they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of
the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school
holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age
like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles
Schulz:
Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in
manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day.
Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college
levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who
wears glasses.
Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item
on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is
actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great
Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes
Bill Gates nervous.
Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband.
Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the
background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a
piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his
piano.
Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named
Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.
Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her
fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."
Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've
happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy
Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.
by John C. Davenport
Received from FranCMT2.
--

A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around,
vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.
Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man
would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue
suit.
"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly
pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed
bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you
anything, my friends..."
Received from Joke of the Week.
--

Sometimes it's hard to make out the words...
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from a
bulb!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."
4. "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese."
5. "Yield not to Penn Station."
6. "While shepherds washed their socks by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all
creatures, here we go."
Many of the above are obvious, but for those that are not,
here is the original wording, with the corrections marked
with *asterisks*:
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from
*above*!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a *banjo* on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our *daily* bread! Glory be to the
Father and to the Son and to the *Holy Ghost.*"
4. "We shall come *rejoicing,* bringing in the *sheaves.*"
5. "Yield not to *temptation.*"
6. "While shepherds *watched* their *flocks* by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all
creatures, *here below.*"
(Explanation added by GCFL.)
Received from Rick & Jini Watson.
--

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in
the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and
stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking
campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington, DC
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia
Phillies Manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al
Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan
Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do
we need?"--Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is
a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football
quarterback and sports analyst
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC
Instructor
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your
circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at
night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake
up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC
Chairman
Received from Dawn Paradise.
--

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire
chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for
the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be
careful; the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment.
"People actually call the fire department to help them with
rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on
fire?'"
Received from Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List.
--

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and
anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do -
everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time
for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost
my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya
goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a
little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number
47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr.
Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it
out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored
your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr.
Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the
doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by
complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't
remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now,
he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to
himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is
jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!
Received from The Funnies.
--

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

Oh my God, I tell that joke to everyone but with muffins in a microwave rather than an over...and nobody thinks its funny...I always thought it was really fun though...

__________________
2004 Chrysler Crossfire

...those who know binary, and those who don't.

__________________
Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm.

those who can count and those who can't.

Thank you JCE
message from JCE at ShopForum

Once upon a time (1/t) pretty Poly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of the singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on.
Polly, however, had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, and ignored this condition and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface.
She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point.
She oscillated violently, lost all sense of Directrix, and went completely divergent.
As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the point and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent he wondered? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see it once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.

“Eureka!” she gasped.

“Ho ho,” he said. “What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see that are actually bubbling over with secs”.

“Oh Sir,” she protested. “keep away from me. I haven’t got my brackets on.”

“Calm yourself my dear.” Said our operator. “Your fears are purely imaginary.”

“i, i,” she thought “perhaps he’s homogeneous then.”

“What order are you?” he demanded.

“Seventeen” replied Poly.

Curley leered: “I suppose you’ve never been operated on yet?”

“Of course not!” Poly cried indignantly. “I’m absolutely convergent.”

“Come, come.” Said Curly. “Lets off to a decimal place I know where I’ll take
you to the limit.”

“Never!” gasped Poly.

“Calculus!” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began
smoothing her points of inflexion. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymototic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by parts.
He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and multiply connected on her first integration. Curly without operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that evening, her mother noticed that she had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally she generated a small but pathological function, which lets surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of our sad story is this: if you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

Why God Never Received Tenure at a University

1) Because he had only one major publication.
2) And it was in Hebrew.
3) And it had no cited references.
4) And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5) And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6) It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7) The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
8) He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
9) He expelled his first two students for learning.
10) Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
11) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Another Google Opppssie
1- Go to www.google.com

2- Type in "french military victories", without the quotes

3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling Lucky"

4- Tell your friends before the people at Google fix it.

I don't get it........

__________________
'87 924S
'81 280SEL

Sold ->

81 300SD -
93 300E w/ 3.2
85 300D-
79 300SD
82 300CD
83 300CD - CA
87 190E 5 spd
87 Porsche 924S

"..I'll take a simple "C" to "G" and feel brand new about it..."

Polish guy who locked his keys in his car,

He had to use a hanger to get his family out.......

__________________
'87 924S
'81 280SEL

Sold ->

81 300SD -
93 300E w/ 3.2
85 300D-
79 300SD
82 300CD
83 300CD - CA
87 190E 5 spd
87 Porsche 924S

"..I'll take a simple "C" to "G" and feel brand new about it..."