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Clean humor only, no hijacking please .
Here are some jokes to enjoy.
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php True tales of InDUHviduals - From Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand. While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He asked me what color. Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the woman at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they never did build that restaurant." I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine." I went into a major retail establishment and asked an employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?" Received from Caprice. -- Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) ------------------------------- AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex." The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens." Received from Joyce Morrison. -- Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) --------------------------------------- The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping for some unmaternity clothes. When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was furious! She confronted her husband, "Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?" The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up to eight pounds!" Received from NeunaberJ. -- Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!" She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?" Received from Case Bonebrake. -- Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) ------------------------------------------ |
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Two fish...
were sitting in a tank. One turned to the other and asked, "How do you drive this thing?"
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Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm. |
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Two biscuits...
were sitting in a oven. One biscuit turns to the other and says: "Man, it's hot in here!" Startled, the other biscuit exclaims, "Oh my God, a talking biscuit!"
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Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm. |
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How do you keep a Mercedesshop Open Discussion reader in suspense?
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After living for years as a castaway on a desert island, Moshe was rescued by a passing fishing boat. He was so excited upon their arrival, he showed them around his island home. "See here, I have an irrigation system to water the terraced gardens . . . and over there I built a water mill over the stream . . . but what helped me the most was when I built this synagogue." pointing to a nicely constructed place of worship. Impressed, the captain of the fishing boat saw another similar building and asked about it. "Eh, that's the other temple . . . nobody goes there."
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There are 10 types of people in this world;
...those who know binary, and those who don't.
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Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm. |
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There are three kinds of people in this world,
those who can count and those who can't.
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Math humor on the edge
Thank you JCE
message from JCE at ShopForum Once upon a time (1/t) pretty Poly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of the singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, and ignored this condition and made her way in amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of Directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the point and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space. She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent he wondered? He decided to integrate improperly at once. Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see it once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good. “Eureka!” she gasped. “Ho ho,” he said. “What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see that are actually bubbling over with secs”. “Oh Sir,” she protested. “keep away from me. I haven’t got my brackets on.” “Calm yourself my dear.” Said our operator. “Your fears are purely imaginary.” “i, i,” she thought “perhaps he’s homogeneous then.” “What order are you?” he demanded. “Seventeen” replied Poly. Curley leered: “I suppose you’ve never been operated on yet?” “Of course not!” Poly cried indignantly. “I’m absolutely convergent.” “Come, come.” Said Curly. “Lets off to a decimal place I know where I’ll take you to the limit.” “Never!” gasped Poly. “Calculus!” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflexion. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymototic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy, for curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and multiply connected on her first integration. Curly without operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal. When Polly got home that evening, her mother noticed that she had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally she generated a small but pathological function, which lets surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction. The moral of our sad story is this: if you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom. |
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Why God Never Received Tenure at a University
1) Because he had only one major publication. 2) And it was in Hebrew. 3) And it had no cited references. 4) And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review. 5) And some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6) It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since? 7) The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results. 8) He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 9) He expelled his first two students for learning. 10) Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 11) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. |
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Quote:
Feed him BHD |
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The Good, Clean Funnies List
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php --------------------------------------------------- A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital. The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife. He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time." The woman said, "What type of immediate action?" The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag him or stress him in any way." On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So what's wrong with me, honey?" The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry, honey, but you're going to die." Received from Matt Durrant. -- A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE for sale.'" Received from Best of Humor. -- Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles Schulz: Charlie Brown: Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses. Linus: Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous. Lucy: Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven. Schroeder: After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano. Sally: Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay. Peppermint Patty: Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything." Snoopy: In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory. by John C. Davenport Received from FranCMT2. -- A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up. Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your profession?" "I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit. "Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo. The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, my friends..." Received from Joke of the Week. -- Sometimes it's hard to make out the words... 1. "God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!" 2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!" 3. "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast." 4. "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese." 5. "Yield not to Penn Station." 6. "While shepherds washed their socks by night." 7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, here we go." Many of the above are obvious, but for those that are not, here is the original wording, with the corrections marked with *asterisks*: 1. "God bless America through the night with a light from *above*!" 2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from Alabama with a *banjo* on my knee!" 3. "Give us this day our *daily* bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the *Holy Ghost.*" 4. "We shall come *rejoicing,* bringing in the *sheaves.*" 5. "Yield not to *temptation.*" 6. "While shepherds *watched* their *flocks* by night." 7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, *here below.*" (Explanation added by GCFL.) Received from Rick & Jini Watson. -- Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman Received from Dawn Paradise. -- Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful; the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'" Received from Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List. -- A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47." So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad. One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......" But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room! Received from The Funnies. -- Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php |
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more funnies
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php --------------------------------------------------- An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has." They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars, and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has." The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky." "Why?" asked the old man in surprise. "Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on." Received from Pastor Tim. -- During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging." Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!" Received from Pastor Tim. -- At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full-size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in. When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then he looked out at us and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?" Received from Steve Sanderson. -- Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23. Received from FranCMT2. -- Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!" Received from WestiMom. -- While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern. "Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?" Received from Pastor Tim. -- A family was on its way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone." Received from L. Scott Brooksby. -- 1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck. 2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder. 3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense. 4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air. 5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow. 6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems. Received from Larry Sourbeer. -- On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her. When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going." Received from Steve Sanderson. -- On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man. "Why?" asked the receptionist. "He is sick," said the man. "Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist. "My uncle," said William. Received from CleanLaugh. -- Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Received from Joseph Brauer. -- Two friends signed up for college. When they looked at their schedules, the first friend noticed he had Logical Reasoning as a class. Not knowing what it was, he went to the class and asked the teacher what logical reasoning was. The teacher than proceeded to explain: "Do you have a weed eater?" "Yes," replied the guy. "You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which means you have a house, which means you have kids, which means you have a wife, which means you're straight." When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked him what logical reasoning was about. "Well," said the guy. "Do you have a weed eater?" "No," replied the friend. "Then you're gay!" Received from Lorena Fregoso. -- Little brother: What do I do now? Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet. Little brother: Like this? Big brother: Yeah. Little brother: Now what? Big brother: Hit "ENTER." Little brother: "ENTER"? Big brother: I mean "flush." Received from Keith Sullivan. -- How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk. If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. Received from Joke of the Week. -- Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up... and I have not heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument! Received from Paul Bateman. -- Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php |
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funnies keep coming in
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php --------------------------------------------------- Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!" Received from Tom Ellsworth. -- I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!" Received from Jokes Central. -- Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and my local grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and only three open at any given time: Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn! Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for the home? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking up conversations with perfect strangers though. One lady told me which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers who actually smile. Another trapped customer gave me her great-grandmother's secret pickling recipe. I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to the snot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shopping cart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac; items once marketed as "Only available through this exclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in a box marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted by aliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets and private chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don't mind waiting in long checkout lines: I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any. I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the thirteen things on my list I forgot. I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Babe. I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home. I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas. I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time. I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning. I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse. I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car. I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers. I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing. I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies. I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do. I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box of sugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits of grocery delivery. Copyright 2005 Karen Rinehart. http://www.busstopmommies.com/ Received from Karen Rinehart of The Bus Stop Mommies. -- * For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken) * Every decision you make is a mistake. (Edward Dahlberg) * Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stephenson) * Only one thing is certain - that is, nothing is certain. If this statement is true, it is also false. (Ancient Paradox) * Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. (Will Rogers) * There is nothing more requisite in business than dispatch. (Joseph Addison) * There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. (Goethe) * A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience. (Oliver Wendell Holmes) * Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford) * If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking. (George Patton) * Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. (Cullen Hightower) * Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat. (Sun Tzu) * Planning without action is futile; action without planning is fatal. (Unknown) * The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand. (Sun Tzu) * Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation. (Proverb) * A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe) Received from Trey Nolen. -- Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php |
#14
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Last of this batch.
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php --------------------------------------------------- In our town we have a regional mall that is two stories tall with an escalator. There was a near tragedy the day before yesterday when there was a power outage in the area, and nine blondes were stuck on the escalator for almost five hours. Received from K D Kribbs. -- After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here." Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth. -- The year is 1905 -- one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1905: The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads in the U.S. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home. Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women washed their hair only once a month, and they used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30! Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then a pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!) Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S. Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years! Received from Tim Krell. -- Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit a fortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to keep him company. So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert that night. And four days later, she became his stepmother. Some men never learn... Received from Kenneth Thomas. -- A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." Received from Pastor Tim. -- Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on. When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school. The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school. "What? Again?" he asked. Received from Pastor Tim. -- During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug." (You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done on this test.) Received from William Jamerson. -- St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work. Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell. St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?" "Yes, that's me," the little old man says. "Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks. "They keep resuscitating me," he replies. Received from Doug Burton. -- Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a) Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php |
#15
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A rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink,the barkeep scowls at him and says,"we don't serve ropes here,buddy,take a powder".
Dejected,the rope leaves but has an idea,he ties himself into a knot and frays the ends,looking very sloppy. He goes back into the bar,orders a drink,the bartender looks at him for a moment and asks,"hey,you ain't one of them rope guys,are ya"? Rope replies,"no,I'm afraid not".
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