Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at
an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit)
$16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the
use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial
Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial
accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered
minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches
after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the
film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating
one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St.
Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of
whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13
years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took
the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, and then a
few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
see him and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized
his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the
man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so
the robber called the police and was arrested.

9. A Los Angeles man, who later said he was "tired of
walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5-mph
chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
vehicle to a stop.

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we
kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from
attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us
in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use,
Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and
wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is
asked if he has any last words.

He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I
believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf
of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure
God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words: "I
am from the University of Texas School of Law, and I believe
in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the
innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure
that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas
Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you
ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two
wires."

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

532.35 cm3 gluten

4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

4.9 cm3 refined halite

236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated
protein

473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume
meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 BTU/F-ft2-hr,
add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller
operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and
seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal
volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.
Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with
constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the
reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the
result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the
mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in
a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with
Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS,
21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C
heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to
equilibrium.

- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

- It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances: (a) when a heroic dog dies to save its
master; (b) after wrecking his boss's car; or (c) one hour,
twelve minutes, thirty-seven seconds into "The Crying Game."

- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

- Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within twelve hours.

- If you've known a guy for more than twenty-four hours, his
sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

- Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge
is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature
is unsuitable.

- No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present
for another man. In fact, even remembering his buddy's
birthday is strictly optional. At that point, he must
celebrate at a bar of the birthday boy's choice.

- On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit
stops, not the weakest.

- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,
you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who's playing.

- It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical beach, it's delivered by a
gorgeous woman, and it's free.

- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you
allowed to kick another guy.

- Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue
closed.

- If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see
anything.

- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be
treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the
game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports
watchers.

- A man in the company of an extremely attractive woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
slice of pizza, but not both. That's just greedy.

- Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend
of yours.

- It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not
acceptable for her to drive yours.

- Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink,
lime green, orange, or sky blue.

- The woman who replies to the question "What do you want
for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I
want!" gets a PS3. End of story.

- There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's
gymnastics. Ever.

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer
questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today
dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I
do."

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Aim towards the enemy." --Instruction printed on U.S.
Rocket Launcher

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." --Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit." --Army's magazine of
prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area
you just bombed." --U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." --USAF Ammo
Troop

"Tracers work both ways." --U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." --Infantry
Journal

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an
ambush." --Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." --Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once." --Anon

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with
him." --USAF Ammo Troop

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

Received from Aloysius Pendergast.

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Since more seniors are texting and tweeting, here are some
STC (Senior Texting Codes). If you qualify for the senior
discount, this is for you. Please pass this along to your
children and grandchildren so they can understand you.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't Get Up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGLKI: Gotta Go! (Laxative Kicking In)

GGPBL: Gotta Go! (Pacemaker Battery Low)

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh, My! Sorry -- Gas.

ROFL & CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of
a Camaro heading east toward Georgia on I-90.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper
pulled over immediately. The rookie trooper pulled over
right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you stop?"

"You dumb rookie," replied the sarge. "He's in Georgia now.
They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

A fishing boat ran into trouble last week about 100 miles
off shore. Despite the efforts of everyone aboard, the boat
was lost. The people were left floating in their life vests.
The sharks were assigned to the case.

The two responding sharks were father and son. As they
approached the people, the father told his son to stop a
moment for instructions. He said, "Son, we need to go about
this in a methodical way. First, we circle the people with
just a bit of our fins showing."

The son replies, "Uh, huh. And then?"

"And then, we circle again but with half of our fins
showing."

"Okay. Then what?"

"Then, we circle a last time, with our fins fully out of the
water and displaying our teeth and huge mouths."

The son asks, "But Dad, isn't it easier to just go straight
in and eat them all up?"

"No, son. Trust me on this. They taste much better with all
the poop scared out of them."

Received from Chris McEwen.

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I want to become a vegetarian, but I'm not sure I can quit
eating meat cold turkey.

I wear glasses. Doesn't that mean that *everything* I see is
an optical illusion?

I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

You want to know a really, really hugely annoyingly bad
habit? Over-exaggeration.

I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing
a blank.

My wife and I love each other. I rub her back and she
massages my ego.

When he who lives in a glass house invites he who is without
sin for dinner, bad things can happen.

You can't stop progress, but you can unplug a good chunk of
it.

A chrysanthemum by any other name ... would be easier to
spell.

Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair
spins.

My life no longer needs an extreme makeover. Now it just
needs a complete do over.

A friend of mine has a nose ring. She keeps the volume
pretty low, though, and sets it to "vibrate" at the movies.

I'm not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in
a screwdriver.

Yesterday I pushed my luck. It was clearly too weak to move
by itself.

- from Mark Mail

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

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It's official: Rap music does cause crime.

Research shows that in over half the shootings that occur on
the street, the gunman is aiming at the boombox!

Received from Thorn Shunt.

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"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think
there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't
even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's
water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out.
Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.