A man is on the way to his local pub, as he approaches, he almost steps into a considerable turd of dog doodooh. He bends and picks it up.

Meanwhile his buddies inside at the bar having their drinks, as the man walks in.
With his open hand reaching out, he exclaims in excitement:

“Look guys, what I almost stepped in!”

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Two older guys are crossing Broadway from opposite ends,both dragging their feet.

They meet in the middle.

First guy points to his foot,"Viet Nam,'68"

Second guy does the same and sez"dog*****,Broadway and 49th".

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guy leaning against the wall...sees woman step in it...says " I just did that "....
..she grabs him by the neck and rubs his nose in it.





.

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[http://languageandgrammar.com/2008/01/14/youve-got-problems-not-issues/ ]

"A liberal is someone who feels they owe a great debt to their fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money."

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but you wanted the Lab work and the cat scan."

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Good stuff , good stuff.

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Didja hear about the Polish Wolfhound?

It only chases parked cars.

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Ha!

Two hillbillies take their old coonhound to the vet. Their poor critter keeps walking in circles.

The vet take a close look, then stares right into the dog's eyes.

"Your dog is cross-eyed", he proclaims.

The vet proceeds to grab a rubber hose, stick it up the dog's butt, and blows with all his might. The hound's eyes straighten right up, and he's again walking in a straight line. Amazed, the hillbillies pay their bill, and take the dog home.

The next morning, the poor ol' gal is walking in circles again. Hillbilly #1 takes a look, and sure 'nuff, the pooch is cross-eyed again. He looks at his brother/cousin, and states "Ah jes git me da garden hose, un doit me self."

He grabs the hose from the yard, inserts it in the dog, and proceeds to blow...and blow...and blow.

"Howzit lookin' up dar?", he asks his brother/cousin.

"Blow harder!", comes the reply.

Puff, puff, puff..."Howzabout now?"

"Nuttin'. Lemme try."

Hillbilly #2 walks to the back of the dog, and pauses for a second. Next thing you know, he grabs the hose and pulls it out of the dogs butt, and puts the other end in. Just as he's about to place the ass end of the hose in his mouth and blow, his brother/cousin let's out a yelp.

"Whut in tarnation you doin???"

"Well...you ain't thinkin' I be blowin' on da same end as you, now would ya?"

..........I got tears running out of my eyes...........

Some altruistic dude adopted a legless pooch,formerly used for land mine detection.

The name was cigarette,and 3 times a day he took him out for a drag.

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A variation of the same:

A gentleman carrying a legless dog was approached by another gentleman who exclaimed,

"Nice dog...what's it's name?"

At which the owner replied, "He doesn't have a name."

The perplexed gentleman then asked, "No name, why not?"

The owner calmly asserted, "He won't come when you call him."

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2009 ML350 (106K) - Family vehicle
2001 CLK430 Cabriolet (80K) - Wife's car
2005 BMW 645CI (138K) - My daily driver
2016 Mustang (32K) - Daughter's car

I think the joke was an offshoot of this one:

3 drunks were walking around one night and found something that looked like a turd. Didn't know for sure so one guy poked sniffed at it and declared that it smelt like a turd. Not to be outdone, the next guy poked at it and declared that it felt "warm like a turd". Next guy tasted it and declared that it tasted like a turd. then they looked at each other and said "Glad we didn't step in it."

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01 Ford Excursion Powerstroke
99 E300 Turbodiesel
91 Vette with 383 motor
05 Polaris Sportsman 800 EFI
06 Polaris Sportsman 500 EFI
03 SeaDoo GTX SC Red
03 SeaDoo GTX SC Yellow
04 Tailgator 21 ft Toy Hauler
11 Harley Davidson 883 SuperLow

Is this not a skit from an old Cheech and Chong album?

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79 240D (no name yet) 203K Miles Maple Yellow
98 2500 4x4 HD Dodge 24 Valve Cummins TD
83 Chevy Van (Dead-Trans. shot)