It's about time for a Joke thread

[arvy]

Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite
diner,when they heard this awful choking sound.

They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from
wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help ?

"I reckon", said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew
breathe?" ?She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked. ?She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt

And licked her on the butt.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe,
with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said,

"Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ?ever' time."

[John Doe]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and
asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.


After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to
hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.


A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it
could potentially cost.


After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.


Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to
stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when
we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

[WVOtoGO]

Post flight announcements:

"Thank you for flying American Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



"Last one off the plane must clean it !!"

[Dee8go]

Originally Posted by WVOtoGO

Post flight announcements:

"Thank you for flying American Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



"Last one off the plane must clean it !!"

That's great, WVO. I haven't flown on AA much, but I've heard stories . . . .

[Jim B.]

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person , put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'



A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'



Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.' !!

[John Doe]

One morning three Alabama good old boys and three Yankees
>>>> were in a ticket line at the Birmingham train station
>>>> heading to Atlanta for a big football game.
>>>> >
>>>> > The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched
>>>> as the three Southerners bought just one ticket between
>>>> them.
>>>> >
>>>> > "How are the three of you going to travel on only
>>>> one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
>>>> >
>>>> > "Watch and learn," answered one of the boys
>>>> from the South.
>>>> >
>>>> > When the six travelers boarded the train, the three
>>>> Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a
>>>> bathroom together and closed the door.
>>>> >
>>>> > Shortly after the t rain departed, the conductor came
>>>> around to collect tickets.
>>>> >
>>>> > He knocked on the bathroom door and said,
>>>> "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack
>>>> and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The
>>>> conductor took it and moved on.
>>>> >
>>>> > The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a
>>>> clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the
>>>> same thing on the return trip and save some money.
>>>> >
>>>> > That evening after the game when they got to the
>>>> Atlanta train station, they bought a single ticket for the
>>>> return trip while to their astonishment the three
>>>> Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
>>>> >
>>>> > "How are you going to travel without a
>>>> ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
>>>> >
>>>> > "Watch and learn," answered one of the
>>>> Southern boys.
>>>> >
>>>> > When they boarded the train, the three Northerners
>>>> crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three
>>>> Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom
>>>> across from it.
>>>> >
>>>> > Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
>>>> Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to
>>>> the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said,
>>>> "Ticket, please."
>>>> >
>>>> > There's just no way on God's green earth to
>>>> explain how the Yankees won the war.

[Botnst]

"I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician."
Marty Feldman

[Botnst]

Macabre

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=561519&in_page_id=1770

[alabbasi]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband,
"I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Bear]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.

Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" "Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Whiskeydan]

>> Three Cowboys Are Sitting Around The
> >> Campfire Out On The Lonesome Prairie;
> >> With The Bravado For Which Each Is
> >> Famous, It Is A Night Of Tall Tales.
> >>
> >> The Guy From Montana Says, 'i Must
> >> Be The Strongest, Meanest, Toughest
> >> Cowboy There Is. Why, Just The Other
> >> Day, A Bull Got Loose In The Corral.
> >> It Had Gored Six Men Before I Wrestled
> >> It To The Ground By The Horns With My
> >> Bare Hands And Castrated That Sucker
> >> With My Teeth.'
> >>
> >> The Guy From Colorado Couldn't Stand
> >> To Be Bested. That's Nothing, 'i Was
> >> Walking Down The Trail Yesterday And
> >> A Fifteen Foot Diamondback Rattler Slid
> >> Out From Under A Rock And Made A Move
> >> For Me. I Grabbed That Bastard With My
> >> Bare Hands, Bit It's Head Off And Sucked
> >> The Poison Down In One Gulp And Didn't
> >> Even Get A Belly Ache.'
> >>
> >> The Cowboy From Texas Remained Silent,
> >> Slowly Stirring The Campfire Coals With
> >> His Pecker.
> >>

[TheDon]

are dead baby jokes ok?

[Bear]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

[TheDon]

snap

[mgburg]

There's a new house paint, out on the market, and it's for Blondes...

It doesn't smell too good, but it spreads well.