joke thread

[mgburg]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that "Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American." So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[Can't Know]

As often happens, reality can be hilarious. I saw this on another forum and started laughing...if those are his questions, boy, who wouldn't want him for a brand representative?

Originally Posted by (from another forum)

I have been thinking about getting a Brand Consulting postion with MB and have a few questions if anyone is a MB dealer.

My first question is what kind of deal do they give employees on leasing a new car from them. My other question is what kind of drug test do they perform?

[layback40]

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
A Dog's Diary........


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

A Cat's Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
B@st@rds.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

[The Clk Man]

Thanks for the laugh Ladybuttcrack40.

[aklim]

An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding!

Dormitory - Dirty Room
Desperation - A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code - Here Come Dots
Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity - Is No Amity
Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness - Genuine Class
Semolina - Is No Meal
A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
Contradiction - Accord not in it
The Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
Astronomer - Moon Starer

[aklim]

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

As a side note, anyone seen his granddaughter? I have a pen I could write on her body all day long

[mgburg]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked..

"Are you NUTS?!?!?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!!!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf."

[millskyle]

it is not a joke it was really happened one i have read it in another forum
a man and his wife are playing Golf the lady stroked first and the ball was directly went into the cow dung and the man went to search for the ball and he found it next he shouted "darling here is yours" she slapped him for that and he is asking everybody what is wrong in that funny guy!

[layback40]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ........ So I did....she's 21, and her name's Lucy!


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face.

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b@stard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him “Birmingham.”

I was sitting in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well, since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

[Can't Know]

Halfway through boot camp a group of recruits is being tormented by their DI.

One makes the mistake of looking at him a microsecond too long and after the requisite pushups and verbal beating, the DI ends his tirade with "AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, DOG-BREATH!! DON'T THINK I DON'T! YOU'RE THINKING YOU CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I DIE SO YOU CAN PISS ALL OVER MY GRAVE, NOW AIN'T THAT RIGHT!?!?!?"



The recruit replies, "SIR NO SIR! The last thing I ever wanna do when I get out of the army is to stand in another long line!!"

[Graplr]

Why don't they give tests at the zoo?



...... There are too many cheetahs.
(Snare drum, rim shot!)

[Pavka007]

Originally Posted by layback40

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him “Birmingham.”

This is so close to the truth, I can't stop laughing. There is another running joke back in the UK that when you going to Birmingham you need a passport.

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
A Dog's Diary........


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

A Cat's Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
B@st@rds.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

This is a list of absolute RULES that I must obey that came with our new Pug Puppy.

1. If I like it, it's MINE
2. If it's in my mouth, it's MINE
3. If I had it a little while ago, it's MINE
4. If I can take it from you, it's MINE
5. If it's MINE, it must NEVER be yours
6. If it looks like mine, it's MINE
7. If I saw it first, it's MINE
8. If it's edible, it's MINE
9. If you have something and put it down, it's MINE
10. If I chew something up, all of the pieces are MINE
11. If I get tired of it, it's YOURS
12. If I want it back, it's MINE

I strictly adhere to these RULES.

[layback40]

This is our
neighbor:

















She's
single...



She lives right across the
street.



I can see her house from my
living room.



I watched as she got home
from work this evening.



I was surprised when she
walked across the street and up my driveway.



She knocked on my
door...



I rushed to open
it.
>
>
>



She looks at me, and says, "I
just got home, and I am so horny! I have this



strong urge to have a good
time, get drunk, and make love all night long!



Are you busy
tonight?"



I immediately replied, "Nope,
I'm free... I have no plans at all!"





Then she said, "Good! In that
case, could you watch my dog?"

[layback40]

John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]



John: ** ** Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: ** ** Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: ** ** You're the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: ** ** You know...... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: ** ** You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah...a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: ** ** So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model - don't know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I've ever made.

John: ** ** What happened?

Bryan: ** ** Traded him in for a Kevin 07

John: ** ** Big mistake.

Bryan: ** ** Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: ** ** How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: ** ** Came with a $900 factory rebate - that was good.

John: ** ** Anything else?

Bryan: ** ** Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: ** ** Didn't stick around for long did it?

Bryan: ** ** Nah - had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: ** ** What was the problem?

Bryan: ** ** Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: ** ** Whatcha got now?

Bryan: ** ** It's a Gillard-Brown.

John: ** ** The hybrid?

Bryan: ** ** Yeah. The Eco-drive system - not a good idea. An engine that can't deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse.

John: ** ** Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason - that's the one?

Bryan: ** ** The Fustercluck model.

John: ** ** The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery - but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: ** ** Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: ** ** So that's why you're here?

Bryan: ** ** That's right. I'm stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don't suppose you've heard of the "Cash for Clunkers" scheme?

John: ** ** Join the queue brother.
**

I will let one of you change the names to suit your side of the pond!!!!!!