Divorce - Page 4 - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

Graplr · #46 09-15-2008, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by engatwork

Ours ended after 22 years. Oldest boy 19 yrs old, youngest 15. My lawyer got $22k and her lawyer got $14k and it took about 1-1/2 years.

Extensive drug abuse issues involved with both boys (one of the reasons I got out - she stated she had rather see them do drugs at home instead of running up and down the road doing them and I do not feel this way - I don't want ANY illegal drug usage in my house). Anyway, over the past three weeks the youngest has gotten assigned to ISS (in school suspension) on two different occasions. First time for some stuff that was going on in the parking lot and the second time for being so high at school that he could not walk. Needless to say I just send the child support and don't have anything to do with any of them. I showed the court extensive proof of the drug use going on in the house after I had left and they allowed the minor child to stay with her because at 14 he can choose who he wants to live with. A guardian ad litem recommended to the court on two different occasions that I get custody of the minor child but the court went with the his choice to live with his mother. The court also gave the 14 year old the choice of whether he wants to spend time with me and he choses not too. I really don't see much future for him at this point because there are no repercussions for his drug usage. Even when she picked him up from school on the day he was high all she did was drop him off at the house where his older brother and his friends sit around and smoke pot all afternoon everyday. I put as much blame on the court as I do her for the current situation. She needs help as much as they do.

Years ago, when the oldest son was around 3 or 4 he came to me wanting to do something I did not want him to do. He would run to her crying and she would tell him "Daddy's being mean, you go do what you want to do" and that is how he was raised. Absolutely no discipline for any of their actions. Unfortunately, I should have gotten out a long time ago but did not because I felt I needed to stay there for the kids. It was the WRONG thing to do.

I am as happy now as I have been in a long time in addition to having more $$ than I ever had when I was in that mess.

Although you are right on the surface, the only people that are losing here are your boys.

You are right that their mother is being a bad mother by letting them do drugs in the house. But if their father gives up on them then they most likely are going to fail miserably in society. You can't give up on him even if it seems pointless. You have to show him that you care about him. It may seem like you are banging your head against a wall right now but it will payoff down the road when he grows up and sees that he actually has a father that cared for him rather than gave up on him.

He will eventually get older and see that his mother took the easy way out and let him do whatever he wanted and that was not what he needed and that you were trying to do what was best for him by showing some discipline. But if you give up on him he may not get to that point.

John Doe · #47 09-15-2008, 01:49 PM

I tend to stay away from giving parenting advice on the net, but that's just me.

Dee8go · #48 09-15-2008, 01:49 PM

How do you propose he do that, Gaplr?

Graplr · #49 09-15-2008, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee8go

How do you propose he do that, Gaplr?

By trying to stay in contact with him.

Dee8go · #50 09-15-2008, 01:56 PM

Okay, fair enough. There's only so much one can do for someone else. Keeping one's "door open" is about all that I can see that Jim could do. I'm betting that he is doing that from what little I can deduce of his character from this forum.

Graplr · #51 09-15-2008, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by John Doe

I tend to stay away from giving parenting advice on the net, but that's just me.

I guess its just the teacher in me. I don't like seeing kids not doing well.

He can take it or leave it. But having a child know that there is an adult that cares about them is a big deal. That is all I was trying to say to him. He sounded like he had completely given up. I was just trying to give him motivation to continue to send a line out to his son. We all know at this point that his son won't take that line, but regardless his son needs a line there and continue for a line there.

Graplr · #52 09-15-2008, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee8go

Okay, fair enough. There's only so much one can do for someone else. Keeping one's "door open" is about all that I can see that Jim could do. I'm betting that he is doing that from what little I can deduce of his character from this forum.

Believe me, I am in no way trying to judge Jim. Or in any way blame him for anything. As I've already stated in this thread I had my marriage crumble even though I thought I was doing the right things for my marriage and son.

I am simply encouraging him to stay in contact with his son as Jim may be his son's only hope as obviously from Jim's description of his mother she won't be much help.

G-Benz · #53 09-15-2008, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Graplr

Although you are right on the surface, the only people that are losing here are your boys.

You are right that their mother is being a bad mother by letting them do drugs in the house. But if their father gives up on them then they most likely are going to fail miserably in society. You can't give up on him even if it seems pointless. You have to show him that you care about him. It may seem like you are banging your head against a wall right now but it will payoff down the road when he grows up and sees that he actually has a father that cared for him rather than gave up on him.

He will eventually get older and see that his mother took the easy way out and let him do whatever he wanted and that was not what he needed and that you were trying to do what was best for him by showing some discipline. But if you give up on him he may not get to that point.

Being a parent as well (with nephews who chose the same path), there isn't much he can do at this point. The courts have already ruled in her favor, and they are far too old and determined to change, considering the coddling they already receive for their actions.

I don't know if you ever followed egatworks progressions that led to this point in previous threads, but the barriers to instill any compassion or discipline to those boys were nothing short of an exercise in futility.

Egatwork chose to move on, which IMHO is the best thing to do, for his sanity. It's inevitable that one, or both of them will ultimately wind up incarcerated. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the only way a person wakes up and decides to change their habits.

My nephews have finally been released not long ago, and they are struggling to fly right, which isn't easy in a society that doesn't welcome ex-cons with open arms. Both of them wished they actually listened to the family's pleadings, instead of pompously forging ahead with their motives.

engatwork · #54 09-15-2008, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Engatwork chose to move on, which IMHO is the best thing to do, for his sanity.

When I did this my blood pressure dropped from 190/110 to 127/79 and I can sleep soundly at night now.

Both boys have my phone # if they ever need to talk to me. Hopefully, they will hit bottom before they die from drug overdose or by totaling out a car. Keep in mind the oldest one has had two dui's before he turned 19 years old and he is still driving. The ex bailed him out of and paid all of his expenses during the trials which, in my opinion, taught him nothing. Just hope you are not the one in the way next time he is dui and causes a wreck.

Another issue is that the ex grills them to find out what all I have going on whenever they have been with me so it is probably well enough that the situation is as it is now.

I found out later that the youngest had taken 5 ambien the morning that the school said to come pick him up. It is just a matter of time until he od's on something as far as I can tell.

John Doe · #55 09-15-2008, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Graplr

I guess its just the teacher in me. I don't like seeing kids not doing well.

He can take it or leave it. But having a child know that there is an adult that cares about them is a big deal. That is all I was trying to say to him. He sounded like he had completely given up. I was just trying to give him motivation to continue to send a line out to his son. We all know at this point that his son won't take that line, but regardless his son needs a line there and continue for a line there.

I meant no offense--its just hard to glean the totality of a situation like that without some personal observations, so for me personally it is a dangerous proposition.

MTI · #56 09-15-2008, 04:45 PM

There are "ethical rules" that make contingency fees from family matters improper.

Ara T. · #57 09-15-2008, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by engatwork

When I did this my blood pressure dropped from 190/110 to 127/79 and I can sleep soundly at night now.

Both boys have my phone # if they ever need to talk to me. Hopefully, they will hit bottom before they die from drug overdose or by totaling out a car. Keep in mind the oldest one has had two dui's before he turned 19 years old and he is still driving. The ex bailed him out of and paid all of his expenses during the trials which, in my opinion, taught him nothing. Just hope you are not the one in the way next time he is dui and causes a wreck.

Another issue is that the ex grills them to find out what all I have going on whenever they have been with me so it is probably well enough that the situation is as it is now.

I found out later that the youngest had taken 5 ambien the morning that the school said to come pick him up. It is just a matter of time until he od's on something as far as I can tell.

Where did the boys learn this drug abuse crap? 5 Ambien, holy krap. Not from you by the sound of it.

engatwork · #58 09-15-2008, 05:00 PM

Not from me.

It started with some stuff going on with the oldest when he was around 13/14 years old. Started out with minor stuff as I guess it always does. There was never any discipline so he pretty much went off the deep end. He spent his 16 year locked up or in rehab. These boys were not raised in a house where drug abuse was going on.