Whats your Favorite Quick Joke And or Pun - Page 2 - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

t walgamuth · #16 12-05-2009, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by link

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...... .

'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.. '

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon.... Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.

'Jose... Go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis MI amigo... What ees it?

'Jose... Ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a ham bush.

Groan!

10fords · #17 12-05-2009, 12:39 PM

What is it that a duck can do, a goose can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his a$$!!!!

R Leo · #18 12-05-2009, 12:48 PM

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank.
One turns to the other and asks:
"How do you drive this thing?"

Two biscuits were sitting in an oven.
One turns to the other an says:
"Man, it's hot in here!"
The other replies:
"Oh my God! A talking biscuit!"

cmac2012 · #19 12-05-2009, 02:22 PM

A frog was minding his own business on a pond when an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. The frog was determined to survive this ordeal and he managed to work his way down to the eagles rectum. He poked his head out while the eagle was flying. He looks down and says, "damn, how far up do you reckon we are?" The eagle nonchalantly looks down and says "oh, about a half mile." The frog says, "you wouldn't $h!t me now, would you?"

okyoureabeast · #20 12-05-2009, 03:11 PM

When it comes to frosting there are only two quantities:

Not enough and type II diabetes!

Aquaticedge · #21 12-05-2009, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by t walgamuth

I am laughing so hard I have tears after the attorney questions.

My favorite jokes involve chickens and pigs. Unfortunatly I have been totally unable to tell any of my favorite jokes in polite company for decades.

Also I used to get into joke telling exchanges which could go on for hours if not minutes, but it also involved heavy drinking which I have not done for decades in public either.... or in private for that matter.

C'mon! Now I am Curious, I love a good rude joke or 2.. if you dont want to post it shoot it to me in a PM

jplinville · #22 12-06-2009, 05:19 AM

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing, he just let out a little whine (wine)

What did the hat rack say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll stay here.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Jim B. · #23 12-06-2009, 10:09 AM

What do you call four Mexicans in a Chevrolet stuck in quicksand?

QUATTRO SINK - O !!

retmil46 · #24 12-06-2009, 11:23 AM

When a lawyer dies, why do they dig the grave 12 feet deep, instead of the normal six?

Because deep down, they're really good people.

The Clk Man · #25 12-06-2009, 08:08 PM

A baby seal walked into a club?

The Clk Man · #26 12-06-2009, 08:09 PM

Why did the young lawyer have to get a set of dentures?

johnjzjz · #27 12-06-2009, 09:03 PM

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (now soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.

johnjzjz · #28 12-06-2009, 09:07 PM

His request approved, the CNN photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is. .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'

Pavka007 · #29 12-06-2009, 09:14 PM

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Pavka007 · #30 12-06-2009, 09:14 PM

Blond medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited