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#46
12-08-2009, 05:39 PM
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A man woke up one morning to find a bear
on his roof so he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers.." He called the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrived and got out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asked? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He handed the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asked the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." 
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#47
12-09-2009, 11:46 AM
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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost......
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#48
12-09-2009, 11:51 AM
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Why did the lawyer have to get a new set of teeth.
__________________
For the Saved, this world is the worst it will ever get. For the unSaved, this world is the best it will ever get.
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#49
12-09-2009, 12:51 PM
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."
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#50
12-09-2009, 01:02 PM
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#51
12-09-2009, 02:18 PM
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Dear Dr. Ruth
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#52
12-09-2009, 03:40 PM
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Here is a one question IQ Test
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer. >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> ANSWER: He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses." If you got this wrong - please pack up your things, turn off your computer and call it a day!!!!!! __________________
__________________
1983 300SD 200000miles
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#53
12-09-2009, 03:43 PM
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My daughter sent me this one,
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! ! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to menuntil they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. -------------------------------------------------------------------
__________________
1983 300SD 200000miles
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#54
12-09-2009, 05:42 PM
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A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it", she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just cannot understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.... Hellooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!"
__________________
hum..... 1987 300TD 311,000M Stolen. Presumed destroyed
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#55
12-09-2009, 05:51 PM
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Why couldn't the Polack change a lightbulb?
He only had a $20.00 bill.
__________________
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#56
12-11-2009, 03:38 PM
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Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon.
As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."
__________________
hum..... 1987 300TD 311,000M Stolen. Presumed destroyed
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#57
12-11-2009, 09:50 PM
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Have you heard the news? "Tiger" is changing his name to "Cheetah" because he never kept his "putter" in his "bag"
__________________
http://i680.photobucket.com/albums/v...7/scotflag.gif http://i680.photobucket.com/albums/v.../scot2flag.gif "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" Billy Connolly Last edited by Pavka007; 12-11-2009 at 10:57 PM.
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#58
12-12-2009, 07:13 AM
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The trouble with feeling you need to be polite is....
Farmer Jones thought he needed a rooster to keep his hens happy because his present rooster was getting a little on the older side, so he called Farmer Brown on his cell phone and asked if he had a younger rooster he could buy. Farmer Brown had several so brought one over for Jones.....
The new rooster arrives and is strutting about the chicken yard. The old rooster waddles up to him, limping a bit, and says (in chicken talk)...."hello, young fella, I see you are expecting to take over here" ....."Yep"... ...."instead of just turning over the hens to you I was thinking we might agree to have a little kindof a contest to see who was the better rooster"..... (looking over the old decrepid rooster) the younger rooster says...."OK, what did you have in mind?" The old rooster says "how about a footrace three times around the henhouse?" .....the young rooster is thinking Hot Dog!...."OK".... ..The old rooster then says ...."since I am old how about a little head start?".... the young rooster, full of confidence says "OK" and the old rooster takes off. The young rooster takes off and soon is thinking..".Hey, this old rooster can really run"..... first lap around and the old rooster is leading by 8'.... second lap they come around and the young rooster is up to 6'. ....third lap and they come around and ....BLAM!.... Farmer Jones shoots the young rooster, saying... "Dang that Brown! That's the third (alternative lifestyle, not that there is anything wrong with that) rooster he has sent me!" See why telling the old jokes is just not as much fun anymore?
__________________
[SIGPIC] Diesel loving autocrossing grandpa Architect. 08 Dodge 3/4 ton with Cummins & six speed; I have had about 35 benzes. I have a 39 Studebaker Coupe Express pickup in which I have had installed a 617 turbo and a five speed manual.  [SIGPIC]..I also have a 427 Cobra replica with an aluminum chassis.
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#60
12-12-2009, 01:33 PM
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12
__________________
99 ML320 94 SL600 92 SL500 95 E320 Cabriolet 87 560SEC 86 300SDL Grease Car 80 380SLC Euro 13 Fiat Abarth 02 Maserati Spyder Cambiocorsa 00 BMW Z3 90 Rolls Royce Silver Spur 80 Ferrari 308 GTSI 88 Jaguar XJS12 H&E Edition 99 Land Rover Discovery
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