I know how you feel. I've been there. The advice to be a parent and not just a friend is correct but don't become a tyrant. Kids make mistakes. I did-you did. The trick is to let him make those mistakes without permanent adverse consequences. As someone on this forum says: "Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment."

I did a two step. First, considerable severe short term punishment (they have a short memory). Then, and you can work on the details during that short term, spend bunches of time with him, in lots of small pieces (their attention span is short) and sustain that. That constant communication keeps his head from getting to far away. My almost 30 year old son (I'm getting old) would go through that cycle every couple of months.

My sympathies, Plantman.

I have no children of my own, so, I won't make any personal suggestions. However, the advice of BHD, seems to be exactly what I was thinking.

First painful knees...now this.
CSCMC1 suggested getting a sniffer dog. The problem with that is everything's documented, including the request if done via phone. If anything is found in the house, who owns the house? Unfortunately that opens yourself up for too much including possible charges against the owner of the house, no matter how ludicrous and beside the point.
If you haven't already dumped the room over, I say give him a chance to get it all out of the house.
He's been though enough today.
As a first go around for consequences, ask him to suggest what he thinks should be done with him if he were in your shoes, mentioning all legal consequences that you are now opened up to because of his lack of good judgement.

Aside,
Having that stuff in school is just plain dumb in this day and age of drug-free school zones. This is a good example of how pot can alter good judgement calls. If I was ever to do any of that back in my school days, it definitely would have been in the privacy of someplace other than the school.

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"If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious %$&^."

Well I remember High school vividly............even though its been a few years...

And I can promise you he didn't go this route alone.....I will lay odds 99.999% that his current friends are doing the same thing and may have swayed his decision to do it.

Peer pressure is a strong influence with teens.....never forget that.

If he stays with the same circle of friends this will happen again.

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"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche

I though about this right after I posted that idea... how ridiculous is it that doing the "right thing" could once again get the law abiding parent in trouble. What a sham. I would hope that out local police would field such a call in the spirit in which it was intended... but, then, they can use whatever they find however they please. While I think 99% of cops are decent, there's that 1%. I have heard the stories... that's too bad.

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He's at a detention center for possession of marijuana?

I'd like to echo MedMech's statement of zero tolerance these days.

Anyone else remember being a teenager? Remember when authority pushed you, you pushed back? The harder authority came back, the harder you gave back? Remember how there was little logic and lots of emotions? Or was it just me?

For f@ck's sakes, the US needs to get its head out of its a$$ and realize that pot is as common as a glass of whiskey! Here in Canada you can light up a spliff in front of a cop and the worst he might do is tell you to put it out, as long as you're not being an idiot about it. As someone who has seen a lot of drugs being used and abused (I've been in a professional rock band for over 10 years) I can tell you I've seen a lot worse come out of alcohol abuse than marijuana abuse. In Vancouver you can buy pot anywhere you want, it's literally easier to get than alcohol - the dealers don't card you.

I'm not preaching on one vs. the other, all I am saying is that this all seems a bit extreme over a teenager smoking some pot. If the rest of his life is in order than your son sounds like 99% of the teenagers I have known and currently know. If he is abusing it and studies are slipping, he steals constantly, etc. then yes, I'd say he needs help as there are other issues besides smoking pot.

Funny thing is that most of the strictest (and sometimes naive) parents are the ones who usually don't see this coming - either because they were straight as rulers as kids or they simply forgot what being a teenager is like - a ballfull of emotions, angst and trying to fit in.

Just my $0.02 CDN...

P.S. I am happily married with a son of my own.

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Chris
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1989 300E - 333,000 Km - sold
1977 280E - sold
1971 250 - retired

"And a frign hat. They gave me a hat at the annual benefits meeting. I said. how does this benefit me. I dont have anything from the company.. So they gave me a hat." - TheDon

I think this is less about pot and paranoid/strict parents and more about a kid breaking the law. We all have heard the arguments for the legalization of weed ad nauseum, and I can't say I really even disagree with them... but the fact remains that it's illegal here, so a kid breaking the law and doing something that will land him in jail IS a big deal for most parents.

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1992 300D 2.5T
1980 Euro 300D (sadly, sold)
1998 Jetta TDI, 132K "Rudy"
1974 Triumph TR6
1999 Saab 9-5 wagon (wife's)

I agree with you there and this is my point. This particular law IS ridiculous. Hence, I suppose I would be upset at my kid for getting caught breaking a stupid law and perhaps potentially endangering his academic future. I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him as well, though, as well as somewhat hypocritical myself.

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Chris
2007 E550 4Matic - 61,000 Km - Iridium Silver, black leather, Sport package, Premium 2 package
2007 GL450 4Matic - 62,000 Km - Obsidian Black Metallic, black leather, all options
1998 E430 - sold
1989 300E - 333,000 Km - sold
1977 280E - sold
1971 250 - retired

"And a frign hat. They gave me a hat at the annual benefits meeting. I said. how does this benefit me. I dont have anything from the company.. So they gave me a hat." - TheDon

Did any of his friends get caught?

It was mentioned he had paraphernalia in addition to being led away from the school in cuffs.

The biggest mistake was being in a school zone. I think they have mandatory procedures for that in a school zone ala zero tolerance.

That's like speeding around a bend where you know there's a cop on the other side 70% of the time and feeling lucky with no radar detector.

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85' 300D No inspection, No registration fees, Cheap insurance
"If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious %$&^."

Plantman,
I used to work as a juvenile court case worker with 10-17 yr old boys on probation. Some of them had landed there by stealing or assault, but most were on probation for drug stuff. A really horrid concequence of a drug conviction is that it excludes the offender from consideration for federal student loans for college. I think that it is a terrible policy, but depending on your financial circumstances, you might want to look into this sooner rather than later to see if there is a way to preserve his chances through a plea or something? I'd have never made it through school without those loans.

Anyway, most of the kids I had in my caseload were fatherless, and most had family lives that did not have very concrete standards that were upheld. I had some kids who were from the wealthier families around town, and they had just assumed they were entitled to do whatever they wanted to do. While many people tend to assume that parenting must lead to behavioral choices one way or another, I found this frequently to not be the case. Parents get their say, but kids- teens especially- gather their decision making info from many sources. Often, the voices of the kids around them are far more persuasive. A good open relationship between kids/parents did not always lead to a kid who only made good choices. So, our program focused on decision making and self-esteem building activities that could help the kids learn how to be confident in saying yes/no when they wanted to, without feeling so much peer pressure. We avoided hokey artificial construct programs that are out there- just say no- dare, etc. Sadly, many of the kids so enjoyed the consistency of our program and the presence of a positive consistent role model in their lives that they would commit a small offense after being released from probation. Once I saw this pattern start, I began meeting with the kids even after they were done, so that they wouldn't keep offending to stay in the program. I still have a couple of them who keep in touch, and it's been 4 years since I had that job.

Avoid beating yourself up about missing the signs, etc. My parents were awesome and supportive and had no idea (and still dont) of anything I was doing. It was partially due to their great example that I was extra dilligent in keeping it from them for fear of them being dissapionted in me. The kids in my caseload responded to me in similar fashion, but I was smarter than they were, and always knew where to find them when they tried to hide. If your kid was taking stuff from you, it's possible he was trying to give himself a way to get caught/get in trouble/stop the behavior and still keep his street credibility (w/his friends). Now that he's been court involved, the opportunity is obvious. He now has a chance to blame his quitting on you or the 'man'. Ideally you want him to feel confident enough in his desire to quit whatever that he can make the decision without an excuse. How you handle the specific subject matter of the content of what he did is up to you, but the legality of it, the future ramifications of a drug conviction (very hard to become a teacher, for example) are likely things he's not considered.

As to your NYPD Blue methodology, it's nice on TV, and would probably make you feel better... but most kids don't respond well to that. Only the bullies I worked with needed to be out-alpha'd and shown who was boss. Then they usually sang like birds. ha ha.. It helped being 6'5'', 235lbs. Giving your kid a chance to express his feelings about what has happened without criticism or critique will allow him the space to let you know if he has a good understanding of the circumstances or not. Just listen. He will know that you have a lot to say, but hopefully appreciate your willingness to hear him out. He ought to feel a responsibility to you, and know that he's let you down. With time, he'll appreciate the respect you gave him in this bad time, and it will be a powerful motivator against the peer pressure he'll certainly feel again. But he does deserve to hear you out as well... and he's earned whatever punishment you decide is neccessary, in addition to his legal consequences.

Now, all that said, you're going to do what you think is right for your kid, and that's exactly what you should do. I agree with JenTay that your job is not best friend, but parent. These do not have to be mutually exclusive, but it's closer to having a well trained dog as best friend than another human as a best friend... until he's legally independent, you share responsibility for his choices.

I hope it goes well. keep us updated as you are able...

Kevin

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Wow! Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that juvenile court case workers take such an enlightened and thoughtful approach to the issue, but I actually am. Great post, djugurba!

Thanks for all the post and advice.

He was the only one who got caught and it was a random search. He was questioned about the bulkiness of his bag, he hesisitated when asked if there was anything else in there. He then owned up to the pot when asked if there was anything in there he should not have.

I didn't speak to him on the way home, because I had to drive and keep my hands on the wheel.

To be honest, the look on his face when he alked out of the center was enough to lessen my anger a little bit.

We had a heart to heart and he mentioned that he didn't want to be here anymore. I said, here at home he said, yes I still want to be here. I said alive, he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to commit suicide, he said no.??????

He says he has had the same thoughts on other occasions, most recently when he got caught stealing from me.

The thoughts also happen to pop up whenever he gets punished and is not allowed to do the things he wants.

Convenience? Probably.

He feels that he is a failure because he can't seem to do anything right.

Anyway, he seems to feel that the pressure of doing well in school is too much for him and that life is just a bit too difficult when he doesn't get his way.

I came to the conclusion that:

A: I can't be with him 24 hours a day
B: He's going to do what he wants because of conclusion A.
C: I told him I will stop placing demands on him regarding school, just as long as he passes from one grade to the next. He's the one that mentioned becoming a Doctor is the first place.

There are lots more thing to cover, I just can't post it all at once.

He's cleaning his room now and is probably very happy he didn't get whacked, but seems very dissapointed.

Thanks for all the responses.

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

He does have a chance to get his record expunged if he finishes a pre-trial diversion program.

He has to do comunity hours. go to drug counseling, keeps his grades up , etc....

That's the good thing.

Hopefully, the embarrasment of being led from school in handcuffs is enough to straighten him out.

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