Brace yourself....... - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

David C Klasse · #1 07-20-2002, 12:28 AM

I can't wait to tell you all a number of things about my life...

***coming soon***

David C Klasse · #2 07-20-2002, 01:39 AM

(This post is rather liberal (hopefully liberatING... just a warning?)

By nature, I’m an extremely vibrant, up-beat, happy, charismatic person. I have a relatively severe case of ADHD. Though I was never diagnosed properly, I started taking Ritalin with a friend who was prescribed. We would crush up the Ritalin pills and snort them. Between September 2001 and February 2002, I was using Ritalin in a very abusive manner. I would stay up through the night, “tweaked” out of my mind. I would spend hundreds of dollars every month buying Ritalin from Mexican Pharmacies. I never had any substance abuse problems until that time, at 19 years old. On the other hand, my 3 other brothers all had some sort of substance abuse problems. Before Christmas, I knew that the path I was on was not right. I knew something had to be done. So I scheduled an appointment with Newport Family Medicine, so that I could be properly diagnosed with Depression and ADHD. In January, I started taking Paxil. At this time, my best friend Lulu and I got extremely close. It was one of the best things that could have happened to me. In many respects, it was delving into my psych, similar to a psychologist. In addition to the fact that I am at that age of “discovering myself,” “finding out who I am,” etc., it helped me slowly overcome my Ritalin problem, improve my mental health, and my happiness. And then to make matters worse, one of my best-friends, Ryan Newman, died in a car accident (this is the first time I have cried about it since the funeral) on his way to LA to get drugs. L ***** To date, for the most part, I have gained a great deal of control over my Ritalin use. I now use it in much more proper doses. I have found a “healthy” balance and use it to the best of my benefit.

One of my major issues in life, was my feeling of inadequacy. I had certain feelings for as long as I can remember, that were always forbidden. I loved dressing up in girls clothes, I loved playing with dolls, and I didn’t like sports like the rest of my brothers did. Subconsciously, I had been instilled that my feelings and that who I felt I was, was NOT acceptable. Boys don’t do those things. So I acted accordingly, always attempting to hide who I was in order for my parent’s, friends, to like me. Well, at 14 years old, I realized that girls didn’t turn me on; I had an attraction to males. For me to be a male, and to have that sexual attraction towards another male was unacceptable, forbidden, impure, dirty. Thankfully, deep down I always had a light inside, that told me that I was ok, my feelings were not wrong, I was me for me, I wasn’t me for who others wanted me to be. I realized that I was gay, and that nothing could change it. To make a long story short, I told my parents that I was gay when I was 16… and the hardest thing I ever did was say to my dad, “I’m gay.” Because he was the primary person that I wanted to accept me. So by telling him this, I took a stand in the sense that I informed him of how I felt, and not how I wanted him to view me. I am incredibly thankful to have such wonderful parents who have been nothing but loving, UNCONDITIONALLY. However, a few months after I told my parents I was gay, I got into a huge fight with mom. We were in the car, and I was furious; and I yelled, “Atleast I’m not a drunk.” She turned, looked at me, and said, “Yeah? Well at least I’m not a gay!” I FLIPPED, and I mean, I f****** FLIPPED, I raged, called her a “F****** *****,” jumped out of the car at a stoplight and didn’t come home for nine days. I went with my best friend at the time, Cindy, (who had her great deal of problems too) to the Marriott Hotel Fashion Island. We stayed there for 3 days until my credit card was maxxed. I felt good, knowing that my mom was suffering, worrying about me… I THRIVED on that. After the Marriott, Cindy & I got a ride in a BMW to Beverly Hills, and walked down Wilshire with Louis Vuitton and Tumi luggage packed with our blow-dryers, clothes, etc. We realized that we couldn’t drag our numerous bags around the streets of Los Angeles, and that we weren’t mentally equipped to live on the streets. Fortunately, we had an older friend that lived nearby, who took us in for a number of days. And I’m blessed that he never pressured anything sexual on me in return for the shelter; an issue I was faced with many times. Finally, the inevitable, Cindy and I had to return home. Justin came back in his BMW and brought us home. When I got home, my mom cried her heart out, holding me, telling me to never make her so scared like that again. I felt, in a sense that I had succeeded. Things got a little better, I went to boarding school my senior year, then came home, got my BenZ (!!), and slowly but surely fell into the wrong path again with the Ritalin, etc.

Today, I am still not perfect by any means (no ever will be). But I feel good. I am who I am, I do not change who I am in order to satisfy how I think that others will want to see me, in order to like me, in order to make me feel adequate. I apologize if this is difficult to absorb, it is extremely difficult to articulate and put this into words.

Tonight I was sitting on my balcony, smoking a cigarette, when I wanted to take a stand, so to speak. I feel very close to all of you at Mercedesshop. We’re kind of like a second family. Homosexuality can be an EXTREMELY touchy issue for many, believe me, this I know. If you, the members, do not accept me for who I am, then that is ok, because I will not base who I am on how I want others to perceive me. Fortunately, I know you all will accept it; at least TRY. I hope that in doing this, maybe many of you who have preconceived notions, or intolerance to the whole gay issue (which I think is a fear formed from lack of information), can be somewhat informed. I would be perfectly open to any questions anyone might have.

Now that I’m wrapping this up, and re-reading what I have written, I just want to clarify that I don’t define who I am based upon my sexual orientation, not in the least. It’s just an aspect of my life. I actually intended to say a lot more about other things, and a lot less about the whole gay thing, but I guess that’s where this ‘essay’ ended up.

A great big issue which I’m still having, and just gets stronger and stronger (when it should be passing), is thinking about Ryan’s death. It seems every day his death impacts me more and more. Like I said, tonight is the first night I’ve cried since the funeral… and it gets worse. I’m in a rut with that whole deal… Any suggestions?

Many times I do things that I feel so right about, but later regret to the fullest. Posting this document onto the forum is a perfect example. But I feel as though my initial instinct is the right one.

Thanks everyone, and I truly value this “online family” we have here.

(I’m going to attach a few pictures to try and make this post as REAL as possible.)

This is a picture of Ryan Newman and I about a month before the accident.

#3 07-20-2002, 02:23 AM

....eerrrrr? David, I kind of don't know what to say??

Your "coming out" here at MercedesShop really doesn't change the way I look at you nor should it, in fact it shows me that you are growing into an adult strong enough to stand up and say what you feel to people who may or maynot understand. Many people never get to that point in Life, but you just have.

What does concern me about your message is your use of a drug which is supposed to be more addictive than cocaine (someone correct me if I'm wrong). While it is way beyond me to tell you what is right and what is wrong in Life (that is for you to figure out), from reading your story above my feeling is that you should not be using Ritalin at all, you should be standing tall all on your own facing Life square on.

This is only advise and my opinion David, but long term drug use and Humans generally don't mix in a meaningful way. Take it for what it's worth.....

David C Klasse · #4 07-20-2002, 02:45 AM

Thanks Ross.

There are so many more things I keep remembering that I didn't originally say.

I think that, for the majority of people (including me), depression cannot be solved soley through anti-depressants. I feel as though I never needed Paxil, but I needed the therapy. And now that I don't want to be on Paxil, I have withdrawals. I stopped taking it a few months ago because I didn't want to take it anymore. And boy was that a mistake. I was incredibly nautious, and I would feel these electrical-like zaps in my head... I got so emotional, and I left my house late one night on a bike, and I swear my head wasn't on straight. Luckily, Lulu, came and recovered me....
So I've started taking 1/2 pills in my attempt to get off it! Newport Family Medicine is worthless... they're all politics, money, medicine, MONEY, and that's it.

#5 07-20-2002, 02:59 AM

Take things as they come.

I'm not saying quit cold turkey, just ask yourself "Where do you want to be in Life next year, in 2 years, in 5 years down the road?

I hope this helps.

The Warden · #6 07-20-2002, 03:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by roas
What does concern me about your message is your use of a drug which is supposed to be more addictive than cocaine (someone correct me if I'm wrong). While it is way beyond me to tell you what is right and what is wrong in Life (that is for you to figure out), from reading your story above my feeling is that you should not be using Ritalin at all, you should be standing tall all on your own facing Life square on.

Just a quick comment on that...reading David's post, it sounds like he's taking Ritalin in order to treat a psychological illness (although I'm not 100% sure what ADHD is). I don't know if there are any better drugs for this or not, but if not, I don't see anything wrong with taking the Ritalin as long as he's careful and doesn't fall back into the downward spiral that he was in before. To be honest, I've been dealing with psychological issues myself, and one thing I've learned through reading and whatnot is that some severe psychological problems actually stem from physical or chemical (natural; not drug-induced) problems in the brain, and actually need checmical (pills) treatment to truely remove the problem.

David, believe me, Kaiser Permanente is worse. For all practical purposes (whether it was incompetence or cost-cutting, I'm still not sure), they killed one of my favorite people in the world. He got pneumonia, and the doctor prescribed the wrong medication (this was after he had broken some ribs in a motorcycle accident and the Kaiser docs hadn't set them in place properly). Had my uncle been given the right stuff, he would have fully and quickly recovered. As it was, it took him 3 1/2 months to be able to go back to work, and his heart never recovered...leading him to have a lethal heart attack at age 50 about a year ago, about a week after a doctor had declared him to be in perfect health (he was a truck driver {in fact, he died in the cab of his truck, right after backing the rig up to a loading dock} and needed a medical examination to renew his license). I still haven't gotten over this...the F-250 in my signature came from him and, while I love my truck, I'd give it up in a heartbeat to get him back. I sometimes still hold back tears while sitting in the truck, remembering why I got it.

BTW, a clause in the agreement saying that Kaiser wouldn't be held accountable for anything is the only reason a lawsuit wasn't successful...many people, including lawyers, believe that the death shouldn't have happened; it isn't just the angry cries from a heartbroken nephew...

#7 07-20-2002, 03:54 AM

I think David is smart enough to take my words with a grain of salt.

Not to start a debate and divert attention to Davids message but y opinion is based on my belief that Depression is a effect of a deeper cause, namely inner feelings. Medicine is way behind in understanding this relationship IMHO, I believe if you deal with your inner feelings, than the body will balance and heal itself and no more chemical imbalance, after all, the body is a machine. The mind controls the body, not the other way around.

In respect to wanting to continue drug therapy, did Mankind need it for the last 5 thousand years? My point is I believe we all have the ability to deal with what Life throws at us or else it wouldn't happen, depression is no different.

At certain points in our Life we all have to ask ourself "where are we?", and more importantly, "where do we want to be if we are not there already?", that is the message I am trying to convey to David.

Ashman · #8 07-20-2002, 05:09 AM

David, First and Foremost, I want to thank you for sharing something so personal with me and the rest of us.

Having met you, I know that you are a great person, who has more strength than most people in this world do.

At some point or another, we are all faced with life changing issues, and at some point in time, most of us have probably had a run in with drugs, whether we did them, refused to do them, or knew someone who did them or someone who died doing them, I don't think any one person can say they have not seen the effects that they can have.

I myself have dabbled in various drugs, and I learned they didn't really do anything for me as a person except make me anti social and grumpy all the time. When I was in college my friends and I smoked tar heroin for 3 weeks. needless to say, its not somethign I am proud of.

A Few months ago, I had a major emotional breakdown. I left the computer company I started with my best friend, and made the decision to change my life as an end result. I am the type of person who generally keeps everything inside. Well to make a long story short, I couldn't hold back anymore, and mom had to come to my rescue with emotional support. I poured my heart and soul out, and it was the most enlightening experience I have had ever. I had not spoken to my mother in a few years because I had a grudge against her for things she did years back.

After this happened, I realized I was depressed, and went to seek help. After numerous testing, Cat scans, Blood work, MRI's, pyshicatric visits, it was determined I suffered from a slight chemical imbalance in my brain. I too am now on paxil, and I can say it has really changed me for the better. I now actually go out more and do more, and I get up early, I go to work, and I do everything asked of me. I don't mope around the house, or hide behind my feelings anymore, and I am more confident. I think most of it has more to do with me finding a renewed sense of purpose, but I feel the paxil has helped me by making necessary adjustments to the chemical imbalance I suffer from.

As a result, I feel I am a better person now, than I ever was, and I owe it in part to mercedesshop and benzsport, where I have met wonder ful and interesting people from all over, and from many different walks of life.

You are a friend, and everyone else I meet here and spend time talking with are also friends. without friends like everyone here, I would probably not be the person I am today.

Alon

Lebenz · #9 07-20-2002, 10:34 AM

Hi guys,

Being alive offers opportunity to explore many avenues of entertainment, feelings and longings. If mercedesshop has shown nothing else, it shows the propensity of people to seek advise, explore alternative solutions and ultimately solve the issue at hand and move on. While drug use, sexual orientation, and emotional issues are part of being alive, it is only morons who have access to more cash then they have brains that make and keep these things at center of their existence for very long. Ultimately mercedesshop has an implied goal of permitting folks to develop their brains a little. But like any recreational pursuit, mercedesshop has severe limitations.

For this reason, I suggest that you take your obvious longing for knowledge and focus it at a Community College or University. Do this for as long as you can tolerate it, and then add 2-3 years more. While college is not the only answer for life, it is an excellent pursuit; and those who do get a degree and especially those who get one or more advanced degrees will go a lot further in life than those who do nothing but use drugs and snivel about their parents, lost friends, and their own miserable lot in life.

Food for thought...

suginami · #10 07-20-2002, 11:41 AM

Hey David, it took a lot of courage to post what you did.

I know some people have a certain level of discomfort with homosexuality, but it really doesn't matter what other people think. I'm sure it's better to live honest with yourself, than to keep things secret or bottled up.

And besides, God loves gay people just as much as He loves straight people, no matter what some Christrian groups may say.

I guess I'm a little concerned about the drug use, especially (if I'm reading correctly) that you are self-medicating yourself.

I really don't envy the stage of life you're in right now at all. Homosexuality aside, you're in a period of life that we all go through, when we're trying to figure out who we are, what we want to be, etc. We want to live completely independently, or live a certain lifestyle, but don't have the education or the income stream yet to achieve that. It's just a period of a lot of change.

But, we all get through it, somehow, and end up being the person we want to be.

Good luck to ya, and see you at the GTG in Newport Coast later in August, and then at the Meguiar's event.

placo1 · #11 07-20-2002, 12:32 PM

David,

Wow, you have to be an extremely strong person to put up a post so revealing, I commend you for that. It's funny looking back at my teenage years and realizing how the little things bothered me so much and how now I wish I could have it that easy. Your nearly at the end of that cycle and all the emossional imbalacne that goes along with it so hang in there, alot of what your experiencing is natural. It's how you handle your teenage years that shapes your future.

I have some advice that really helped me get through it. First I would say if your not persuing a higher education do so immediately. You may say that you don't need it, and it may be absolutely true but it's amazing how a piece of paper can open so many doors in your future.

Something else that is very important is to surround yourself with friends that aren't involved in drugs or going down the wrong path. This may serve as some guidance and support.

I would also stop abusing Ritalin cold turkey and get away from it all together. If you continue to take something like this you'll never allow your body to balance itself which can create further emossional imbalance.

My last bit of advice is to find a hobby or two that you truly enjoy. Maybe your car or a sport or skydiving. Find something that naturally increases the seratonin in your body and concentrate on that. Make sure it has satisfying results that will make you happy with your achievement whatever it may be. This really helped me even in the toughest times.

Hope this helps. Look forward to meeting you at the next GTG.

JCE · #12 07-20-2002, 01:01 PM

Hi David:

We have spent some time together at GTGs and occasionally working on our cars, and you know what? My wife and I think you are pretty bright, and have a great personality, and have a lot of things going for you. Such as parents who really do care, financial means to get medical treatment for the depression, nearby schools and educational opportunities, etc. (Your mom probably cares for you a lot, you know. Sometimes when a parent is hurt, they hurt back - then would cut off an arm if only they could take it back!).

Depression can happen to any one of us without notice, even (especially?) if we think we are immune. Life has all manner of challenges, and it can get overwhelming. But drugs are not the answer. If used properly and under medical suppervision, they can help you get your feet on the ground and overcome the depression. But all of them have side effects, and they all can be abused. Substance abuse cost my daughter's husband his life, leaving my daughter and grandson a tough uphill battle to try and support themselves, let alone even thinking about college. Don't go there.

Something I would urge you to investigate is a career guidance counselor (No, not like in schools!). I put both my kids through a good program. In eight 1-2 hour sessions of testing and evaluations, they learned a lot about their personalities, aptitudes, interests, etc. This group never tried to change anything about them, just guided them through the process of finding out what their personalities were like, where there interests were, what they had the apparent aptitude to do more easily than others, and the career choices where others with their profiles had done well. It gave them a place to stand and some life paths to explore that would likely be easier than other choices. After my kids were done, Leise and I went through the program, and learned a lot about ourselves as well.

Remember, despite our culture's fascination with labels and appearances, that isn't what life is really about. It is all about what you do with what you have been given. It took courage to openly defy the labels. So I think you probably have the strength to stop the misuse of medications, and to move on from here with your life.

All our best,

John and Leise

David C Klasse · #13 07-20-2002, 03:04 PM

Wow... I woke up this morning thinking, regretting what I did!! But I'm glad I don't regret it now.

Just to add a few things.

I stopped being friends with 90% of the people I have been friends with through high school and everything! I no longer speak with many of my best friends. I more or less, dropped out of the circle. It was hard, but definitly helped me. More solititude was a good part of it, I think.

I am going to school. I just finished my second year at OCC. I havne't been taking full loads, but this summer I'm taking 4 classes! I need to make up for the half load I always took. No doubt I'm going to school.

But I think I'm overloading myself this summer............

Last year I did take a Career Planning class. It was an 8 week class, 2 hours a class, twice a week. I took all sorts of career tests, personality tests, to find out what I liked, and what seemed like I would like in life or whatever. I don't think it helped me much.... but I still have all the test results; I keep meaning to go review them. Hopefully doing that now will help me in some way. But I remember seeing all the results, and I was never THIS WAY OR THAT, I was never at the ends of the spectrum, I was almost always right in the middle. I suppose this is good in the sense that maybe I'm a well-rounded person. But I had trouble taking a lot of validity from them, because they didn't tell me much, except that I was "avg" on the scale/spectrum.

Anyway, all of your replies are very special, and each have a valuable message. Thanks everyone, and it's a little comforting to be reassure that I'm not the only one having these issues.

420 · #14 07-20-2002, 03:39 PM

Wow David.
It took a tremendous amount of courage to post that, and I admire you for that. I am concerned though about your ADHD and Ritalin use.

I DO have ADD and I’m not saying you don’t have ADHD, But…….
You mentioned you were never properly diagnosed? What do you mean? Did a friend tell you that you have it or that Newport medical clinic? As far as I’m concerned a family medical center cannot diagnose ADD/ADHD. Depression and ADD/ADHD go hand in hand and have similar symptoms so depression can (and seems to be easily) misdiagnosed as ADD/ADHD.
David, seriously, get a professional diagnosis from a ADD/ADHD specialist ( or 2) if you haven’t. The PROPER treatment, (not necessarily Ritalin) can make a big difference.

ADD can make life practically unbearable. Trust me, I know.

Hang in there dude!

engatwork · #15 07-20-2002, 04:53 PM

David, your life is just getting started. I would strongly suggest trying to do everything in your power to stay away from abusing drugs. They are only a short term solution to lifes day to day problems/situations.

My oldest son (13) was diagnosed as ADHD and the Dr told us he was too old to take Ritalin for it because of the "speed" effect that he would feel. Now we keep him real busy and that seems to work pretty well. I feel certain that 33 yrs ago I would have been diagnosed the same way. Thankfully, my parents sent me out to work my butt off on the farm from the time I was 12.

I am 45 yrs old and all the people that I grew up with that abused drugs (other than pot) are either dead or in prison - including my older brother who died in 1984 at 34 yrs old. I would suggest trying to figure out what you enjoy doing in life that you can make a career of and then learning to doing it to the best of your ability. If you can make a living doing what you enjoy then life becomes a permanent vacation. Be thankful for the parents/family you have while they are still around. They will not be there forever.

I took a prescribed dose of Xanax for a long time to help me sleep. Getting off of that stuff was one of the hardest things I have ever done.